Can You Message Someone on Tinder Before You Match?

Only if you have Tinder Platinum. Tinder's help center says only people who have both shown interest in each other can chat, so normally you start talking once you have matched and not before. The exception is in Tinder's FAQ, which lists the ability to message before matching as part of Tinder Platinum, alongside Priority Likes.

Unless you are on Platinum, the rule is the one most men already know. Both of you have to show interest before either of you can write. Until she Likes you back, there is no chat to type into.

That is why so much of Tinder happens in silence. You Like her, and then you wait to find out whether she ever reaches your card and feels the same way.

For most men on most plans, that wait is simply part of the app. The best use of it is to keep your Likes careful, so that when a match does arrive, it is with a woman you actually want to talk to and already have something to say to.

Tinder's FAQ lists messaging before matching as part of Platinum. In other words, a Platinum subscriber does not have to wait for mutual interest before he says something.

The FAQ does not go into detail beyond that, so check how it works on your own screen before you plan around it. The more useful question is whether you should use it, and how.

a dating coach makes a point about online dating that many men ignore. On apps that let you write to a woman first, you can reach out more, rather than sitting back and taking whatever matches the app hands you.

He explains the appeal when he talks about sites that let you search and write to women directly. There, the match is more your own choice. You are less at the mercy of whatever the app decides to put in front of you, and you get to talk to the women you actually picked.

Going first has a cost. coach names it when he talks about Super Likes and roses, which also bring your interest to her attention early. You give away a little power, and the rest of your game has to be better to make up for it.

Writing to her before she has Liked you back is the same trade, only stronger. The interest is already obvious from the fact that you wrote. So the words themselves should be relaxed. A long, earnest message about how beautiful she is doubles down on the one thing you have already made clear.

Pick one thing she chose to show you and answer it with some personality. A place in one of her photos. A strong opinion in what she wrote. A dog that is clearly in charge of her household.

Two lines at most. For example: "Is that ferry photo somewhere glamorous, or is that the commute?" Or: "You wrote that brunch is overrated. I am willing to hear your case." Each one is easy to answer, and neither one asks her to justify anything.

Write each message fresh. A line you could paste to fifty women reads like exactly that. On a message she never asked for, generic is the quickest way to be ignored.

A few things to leave out. Do not open with a compliment on her looks, because she has heard it from every man who wrote before you. Do not explain why you are writing first, as if you need permission. And do not ask for her number or a date in the first message. Get one good exchange going, and let the conversation earn the next step.

She owes you nothing here. She had not Liked you, so a message she ignores is not a snub. It is just a message that did not land.

Do not follow up with "Did you see this?" or a longer version of the same thing. If she wanted to answer, she would have. Let it go, and put that energy into the next woman you have a real reason to write to.

If most of your early messages go unanswered, look at the messages before you look at the women. Read the last five you sent. If they are long, or they could have gone to anyone, that is the part to change.

Being able to write first does not mean you should write to everyone. Save it for the women you would genuinely be glad to talk to and have something specific to say to.

A handful of well-chosen messages will do more for you than a flood of copies. They also keep the feature from turning into a way to be ignored by more women, faster.