How to Text a Woman Whose Number You Got from Someone Else

Text her within a day or two. In your first line, say who you are and which friend gave you her number. Keep the whole message short and friendly, and propose a specific plan within the first few messages. She has a reason to answer you that a stranger never has: someone she trusts vouched for you. Your job is to use that reason well and not waste it on small talk. That is a better start than a cold opener sent to matches on dating apps.

a dating coach describes meeting women through a friend as one of the best situations a man can be in. A woman who meets you through a friend of a friend tends to react well to you from the start. She also wants to make a good impression, because the person who introduced you will hear how it went.

That is a real head start, and men throw it away in three ways. They wait a week, they send a text with no reason in it, or they pretend they met her somewhere they did not.

If you can, ask the friend to tell her to expect your message. Something as small as "my friend Dan might text you, he's a good guy" turns your text from a surprise into an introduction.

If the friend gave you the number without telling her, say so honestly in your first line. She will find out anyway, and a man who hides it looks like he has something to hide.

Put three things in it: your name, the friend who connected you, and one reason to talk.

• "Hey Sarah, it's Mike. Jess gave me your number. She says you know the best tacos in the neighborhood. Where should I go?"
• "Hi, this is Chris, Alex's friend from the climbing gym. He said you were looking for a running partner. Still true?"

Notice what is missing. There is no "hey how's it going," no paragraph about yourself, no compliment on her photos, and no apology for texting. The message has a name, a link and a question, which is all she needs in order to answer.

The longer you hold the number, the more it feels like a strange thing you are doing. A day or two after you get it is fine. A week later, the friend has forgotten the introduction and so has she.

Do not text late at night either. Send it in the early evening or on a weekend morning, when she is likely to be relaxed and able to answer.

My rule for texting before a first date is to keep your messages light and to leave a reason in reserve for the next one. Do not send sixteen texts a day. If she is texting a lot, you can answer her warmly, but do not be the one who starts every exchange.

Give each message a purpose. The first sets up who you are. The second answers whatever she said and adds a little humor. The third proposes the plan. If you fill the gap with small talk, the plan gets weaker with every message, and she starts to feel like a pen pal and not like someone you want to meet.

You are not texting to chat. You are texting to meet her, and your friend has already done the hard part.

• "A few of us are going for tacos Friday. You should come."
• "I'm free Thursday evening. Want to try that place Jess mentioned?"

Make it specific, easy to say yes to, and low pressure. A drink or coffee is plenty. Keep a little of the plan vague, such as the day without the exact spot, so you have something to confirm later without sounding needy.

Give her a day. If she has not answered after two or three days, you can send one light follow-up that does not mention that she did not answer. After that, stop. A woman who is interested will find a way to answer. A woman who is not will not, and a third text will not change that.

Do not complain to the friend, and do not ask the friend to push her. It makes you look like a man who cannot take a no.

Say "No problem, nice talking to you," and mean it. Then tell the friend nothing negative. Your friend's group is a good place for you to meet other people, and a gracious exit protects that.

Before you hit send, read your message and check:

1. Is my name in it?
2. Is the friend's name in it?
3. Does it ask one clear question?
4. Is it short enough to read in five seconds?

If yes to all four, send it. The friend has done most of the work, and a short, friendly text finishes it.