How to Text a Woman You've Never Texted Before

Tell her who you are, mention one real thing the two of you share, keep it to a line or two, and send it at a time she can actually answer. "Hey, it's Sam from Dana's party. You were the one who hated the playlist. I agree." is a complete first text. It gives her a name, a memory and something easy to answer.

My first texting rule is practical: get your name and number into her phone, and make sure she knows who you are. A text that arrives as a plain number saying "hey what are you up to" looks like a stranger, and that gets ignored or blocked.

Even a woman who liked you may not remember your name, especially if she had been drinking or met other people that night. So the first line should place you: your name, and where or how you met. If you saved your own number in her phone, a short text with your name lets her match it to the right man.

The best opener is a call back to something that actually happened. It proves you were paying attention, and it gives her something easy to answer. coach says that if you are confident in a call back or a joke, include it, but if you are reaching or trying hard, your name alone is better.

Good first texts, in your own words:

• Met at an event: "Hey, it's Sam. We talked about the terrible catering. I found the recipe for that sad pasta, and I am sorry."
• Introduced by a mutual friend: "Hi, it's Sam. Dana said you would hate my taste in movies. I would like to hear the argument."
• She gave you her number: "It's Sam, the guy who lost to you at darts. I want a rematch."

If there is nothing to call back to, keep it simple and warm: "Hey, it's Sam. Good to finally have your number."

coach is firm on this. A wall of text looks needy and try hard, and it is hard for her to answer. Send one idea, two at most. Do not ask three questions. Do not explain your whole day.

Keep the tone informal and friendly. A first text is not a letter. It is a nod across the room that says you are glad you met.

My rule is to text when she is likely to see it and reply. If she works through the day, wait until the evening. If she is asleep, wait for the morning. A text that lands during a busy moment gets buried, and then you have to follow up and look more eager than you meant to.

When in doubt, the next day is safe. If you met in the afternoon or early evening and she was keen, the same day is also fine. What does not work is waiting a week and sending a perfect message. A short one now is better.

A first text is not the end goal. coach says the point of texting is to get to a call or a date. When she answers warmly, move toward plans instead of keeping the conversation going for days.

His usual sequence is a qualifier, a vague suggestion and a close. For example: "Are you an adventurous eater?" She says yes. "Good. There is a place that serves things I cannot pronounce. What does your week look like?" Then name a day.

Do not open with only "hey" or "what's up." She has to do all the work, and the usual answer is silence.

Do not send three messages before she has answered the first.

Do not write a long compliment about her looks. It puts pressure on her and gives her nothing easy to reply to.

Do not fix a first text with a second one five minutes later. coach says double texting out of worry looks needy and points to the problem you thought you had.

Sometimes the question is really about a girl you have only seen or admired from a distance. In that case, a first text is the wrong first step, because you do not have her number.

The better move is to say hello in person. A short, friendly line about something you noticed, a smile, and a real conversation, then ask for her number if it goes well. The number is the first step of My text game, and it comes from a good interaction, after which you text so she remembers who you are. A face to face hello gives her something to remember. A message from a stranger does not.

Name, one real thing, a line or two, at a good time, and a plan once she warms up. That is all a first text needs to do.