How to Text a Woman Who Just Broke Up With Her Boyfriend

Text her the way a calm, kind friend would: light, short, and with no agenda she can feel. Leave out the date invitation for now, never say a word against her ex, and let her decide how fast anything moves. If you still like her in a few weeks, you will be the guy who was easy to talk to when things were hard, which is a far better position than being her rebound.

A breakup that happened last night is a different situation from one that happened three months ago.

If it was last week or last month, she is likely sad, angry or numb, and often all three in one afternoon. She is not choosing a partner. She is looking for comfort, distraction, or proof she is still wanted.

If it was several months ago and she is out and about again, she may be ready for plans. She will tell you through how she writes: whether she brings up the ex all the time, whether she jokes again, whether she suggests seeing you.

My texting rules still apply, and they matter more here. Keep it short and informal. One idea at a time. Do not answer every text in ten seconds, and do not fire off three in a row.

Good first texts are small:

• "I heard about the breakup. I'm sorry. Here if you want to talk, no pressure."
• "Thought of you when I saw this dog trying to fit through a cat flap. No reply needed."
• "Rough week? I'm around if you want a distraction."

None of them asks her to explain herself, and she does not owe you a reply.

It is tempting to become the man she talks to every night about the breakup. It feels close. It also locks you into a role as the friend with a shoulder, and once you are there it is hard to get out of it.

Listen when she wants to talk, and keep it short and kind. Then move the conversation to something lighter when she is ready: a plan for the weekend, a show, a joke. Her mood will tell you. If she keeps going back to the ex, you can let her, but do not make it your main topic.

coach has a clear rule about conversations that are going badly: do not escalate off a negative. When she is low, the last thing she wants is something that feels like a bigger commitment. An invitation to dinner can feel like pressure, and pressure at a bad time gets a no that is hard to undo.

So wait for her tone to change. When she starts laughing in her texts, and mentions plans of her own, a casual, low-stakes invitation is fine: "Pizza and a terrible movie on Saturday? Zero pressure, I'll pick the terrible movie."

Do not call him an idiot, do not say you would never treat her like that, and do not compare yourself to him. Even if she insults him herself, she may feel protective of him the next day. Be neutral. "That sounds really hard" does more than any opinion of him.

You may be tempted to move quickly because she is vulnerable. That is how a man ends up with a short, messy, sad few weeks and a woman who feels worse afterward.

Some women do want company after a breakup, and a rebound can be a healthy way to get over one. If that happens, it should be because she wants it, and because you both know what it is. If you want something real, then let her lead and keep the pace slow. Never pressure her, and never use her sadness to get closer.

• She replies with one word, or stops replying for days.
• She gets more upset when you mention seeing her.
• She says she is not ready for anything.
• She keeps talking about getting back with him.

If you see any of these, take the answer. Send a short, warm text such as "Totally understand. I'm around if you ever want a friend," then stop. If she is interested later, she will contact you.

Keep your own life moving. Meet other women, go to the gym, see friends. A man who is busy is easier to be around than one who waits on a single text. If she wants to see you in a month or two, you will be glad you did not spend the time sitting by your phone.