How to Text a Woman You Don't Know

Tell her who you are, how you came to have her number, and one light reason you are writing, then ask a single easy question. That is the whole first text. She has no reason to trust a stranger yet, so the job of the text is to remove the mystery in a few friendly words and make a reply cheap to send.

This decides whether you should text at all.

If she gave it to you, you are fine. If a friend passed it on and told her, you are fine. If she left a card, filled out a form for an event you ran, or followed you and started the contact, you are fine. If you found it without her knowing, do not text her. A woman who did not hand out her number has not agreed to hear from you, and a first text from a stranger can scare her.

1. Your name. My first texting rule is to make sure she knows who you are. A text from an unknown name or number looks like spam, and she may block it before she reads the second line.

2. The connection. One phrase that explains why you have her number: "[Friend] gave me your number," "We talked at the book sale," "You commented on my post about the marathon."

3. A light reason. Say why you are writing in a few words. It can be a compliment, a question or a plan.

4. One easy question. coach keeps texts to one idea, or two at most, so do not ask three things. Make the question one she can answer in a few seconds.

You met briefly:

"Hi, it's [your name] from the pottery class. I owe you a real answer on whether the lopsided bowl was intentional. Did you keep yours?"

A mutual contact gave you her number:

"Hi [her name], this is [your name]. [Friend] said you know the best tacos in the neighborhood and I need the answer. Where do I go?"

She followed or contacted you first:

"Hey, thanks for the follow. Your photos from the trip look incredible. Where was the lake one taken?"

A coworker or classmate you only know a little:

"Hi, it's [your name] from accounting. The printer on our floor has finally died and I'm starting a support group. Are you in?"

Each one is short and informal, gives her a reason to answer, and leaves room for her to take the conversation where she likes.

When all you have is a handle, comment on something she chose to share. Ask about the dog, the trip or the book, not about her looks. One friendly sentence tied to her post shows you looked at what she cares about. If she answers, continue like a normal conversation. If she does not, leave her alone.

• Your life story. coach warns that long texts look needy and are hard to answer.
• Only compliments on her looks. She cannot do anything with them, and they read as the same line she gets from everyone.
• A date invitation in line one. You have not given her a reason to say yes.
• Heavy pressure. No "please reply" or "just checking you got this".
• A formal tone. My rule is to keep it informal and friendly, or it reads like a letter from a stranger.

Keep going for a few short exchanges, one idea each. Then, as coach teaches, move from conversation toward a plan. A question about her, a light tease, then a specific suggestion: "Want to try that taco place Thursday?" The text only exists to bring you to the meeting.

Wait. coach says to avoid double texting, so leave a full day or two before you send anything more. After that, one short follow-up is the limit, with something fresh in it and no complaint about being ignored. If there is still silence, take it as an answer and delete the conversation. A stranger who keeps writing becomes a problem for her, and a man who knows when to stop is rare enough to stand out.