What to Text a Woman for the First Time

Say who you are, point to one real thing from when you met, and end with a question she can answer in a few words. Send it within a day or two of getting her number. That is the whole answer. The rest of this article covers what to pick for that one real thing, when to send it, and what to do if all you have is her handle and not her number.

She may have given her number to three people this month. If your first text is "hey, it's me," she has to guess.

Open with your name and where she knows you from. "Chris here, from Sam's party" does the job. It takes four seconds to read and she does not have to scroll through her contacts. Then add the real detail.

The best first text is a small piece of what you already shared. It proves you were paying attention, and it gives her something to answer.

Here are three that work in different situations:

"Chris, from the bakery on Elm. I took your table, so I owe you a croissant. Which one do you want?"

"It's Chris from Sam's party. I am still thinking about your argument that pineapple belongs on pizza. Defend it."

"Chris, the guy from the crosswalk who made you late. Did the coffee at least make up for it?"

Each one names who you are, mentions a moment, and ends with something she can respond to without thinking hard. Copying these word for word is a mistake, because the moment has to be yours. Use the real detail from your own meeting.

Send it within a day or two. The same evening is fine if the talk went well. The next day is the safe default.

Waiting several days so you look busy mostly gives her time to forget your face. Sending it ten minutes after you walk away looks anxious. A day or two reads as a man with a life who liked talking to her.

Sometimes the first contact is a comment she posted or a video she made. Treat it the same way. You are approaching her through a phone, so you need a reason to write that is specific to her.

Reply to one detail from what she posted, keep it to a line or two, and ask one question about it. "You said you hate small talk and then spent the whole video arguing about pizza toppings. Which side won?" works. A compliment about her looks does not, because she has nothing to say back except thanks.

If a friend gave you her number, say so in the first line. "Dan gave me your number and said you would beat me at darts" tells her how you got it before she has to wonder.

Texting works best after you have already met her. Talking to her in person gives her your voice, your face and your humor. A text carries only your words, so it is a weak way to introduce yourself to someone who has never heard you speak.

Use texting to turn a good first meeting into a plan. If you are choosing between texting a stranger and walking up to say hello, walking up wins more often. She can judge you in ten seconds instead of guessing from a sentence.

Skip these:

• "Hey" or "hi beautiful." She has nothing to answer.
• A paragraph about your job, your week and your weekend plans.
• Three questions in one text. It reads like a form.
• "Do you remember me?" It puts her on the spot and makes you sound unsure.

One short text is enough. If she does not answer, send nothing more that day. If she still has not answered after a couple of days, let it go and keep your attention on women who reply.

Answer what she said, then add a small piece of your own so the conversation does not feel like an interview. After a few back and forths, suggest a simple plan. "The bakery on Elm, Thursday after work?" is clear and easy to say yes to.

The first text is only a door opener. Its job is to get you a second text from her, and then a coffee.