How to Text a Woman You Are in Love With

Text her as if you simply enjoy her company, keep each one short, and leave your biggest feelings for when you see her. Strong love makes men write too much, too often and too fast, and that is the very thing that makes her step back. The goal of every text is to make a good conversation and, soon, a plan to meet.

When you care a lot, each text feels important, so you pour in everything. You send long paragraphs, ask what she is thinking, check whether she read it, and answer within seconds. coach calls this eagerness. It tells her that she is the main thing in your life and that you have little else going on, and he says high-value men are usually busy with things they care about.

coach also warns against the reactive text: "did you get my message", "are we still on", "was that rude?" Checking in like that shows you are walking on eggshells. His fix is to treat texting as a fun formality and to assume she likes you, because that attitude is what women respond to.

Strong feelings are not a flaw. The trouble is only in how they reach her phone.

Send texts that are easy and enjoyable to answer.

• Something specific from your day that made you think of her. "A man on the train was reading a book upside down and looked completely confident. Reminded me of you telling that story about the map."
• A tease about something she said. "I'm still thinking about your claim that you've never been lost. I have follow-up questions."
• A real question. "What was the best part of your week?"
• A plan. "Saturday afternoon, the garden at the museum. Want to come?"

Keep each to one idea, or two at most, and keep the tone informal. My rule is that a wall of your texts on one side of the screen looks needy and a little scary.

"I love you", "I can't stop thinking about you" and "you are the best thing in my life" are not texts. They are weights. Sent early, they ask her to answer a question she is not ready for, and she may not know what to say back.

If you want to tell her how you feel, do it in person, when you have been seeing each other long enough that it is a gift and not a demand. Looking at her while you say it is better than a screen, and you will see how she takes it.

• Do not reply in seconds every time. A reply in an hour or a few hours looks like a man with a full day.
• Do not send a second text because you are nervous about the first.
• Do not text late at night to confess what you are feeling.
• Do not ask what she is doing every day.

Keep your own life full. Meet friends, go to the gym, chase the things you care about. A man in love who also has plenty of other things going on is far more attractive than one who has put his life on hold.

If she is your girlfriend, you can be warmer, and texts women love tend to be small and specific. Remember something she said and ask how it went. Tell her one thing you like about her that is not about her looks. Send a photo of something that made you laugh. Check in before her big day. Honest, short appreciation beats a long speech.

Do not turn your phone into proof of love, with constant check-ins and a count of her replies.

Watch how she answers. If her replies are short, slow and unengaged, and she turns down your plans, the kindest and strongest thing is to step back. Say something simple: "I've enjoyed getting to know you. I'll leave it there." Then stop texting. Real feeling means caring about her comfort too, and you can feel it without sending it.