How to Be the Fun Guy at a Bar Without Trying Too Hard

Be the man who is visibly enjoying the night, not the man trying to get everyone to enjoy him. Say hello to people, be curious about them, tease a little, laugh easily and leave a conversation when it is done. Fun at a bar is a mood you bring, and it comes from caring less about the result and more about the people.

The guy who tries too hard talks too loud, tells the story twice and watches faces for approval. People around him feel like an audience. The fun guy does the opposite: he makes other people feel good, so the room relaxes around him.

Three things he does:

• He asks questions and listens to the answers.
• He laughs at what other people say, not only at his own lines.
• He does not need anyone to laugh back.

That last one is the real difference. When you do not need a reaction, you stop forcing it.

a dating coach recommends getting social before you single out anyone. Order a drink and say a friendly line to the bartender. Talk to the guy next to you. Comment on the music to a stranger. You are not looking for a woman yet. You are getting your voice and your mood ready.

By the time you walk up to a woman, you have already had three small, easy conversations. You sound relaxed because you are.

Start with groups of men and mixed groups, too. A man who is easy with everyone looks safe and popular, and women notice.

Quiet and flat is not the same as calm. My advice to introverts, and it applies to everyone, is to open a bit brighter than feels natural. Smile, speak clearly and look people in the eye. You do not need to shout. You need to look glad to be there.

A few easy ways to do it:

1. Say people's names back to them after you hear them.
2. Match the volume of the room, then drop slightly so people lean in.
3. Use a relaxed face and open posture, with your hands out of your pockets.
4. Smile before you speak, not only after.

A bar conversation that is a list of questions feels like a job interview. Mix in light, friendly teasing. If she says she hates her coworkers' karaoke, say, "So you are the one who ends up singing the sad song at midnight." Keep it kind, and make it about something she said, not about her looks or her life.

Never tease something she is sensitive about. If she looks uncomfortable, drop it and move on.

You are not the host. You do not have to fill every silence or tell the best story. A good rule is to say a bit less than the other person. Ask, add a short comment, then let them take it. A man trying too hard keeps the floor. A relaxed one hands it back.

The fun guy does not cling. When a talk has run its course, he says, "Good to meet you, enjoy your night," and goes. That quick, warm exit shows that he is comfortable on his own and does not need her approval. It also keeps the door open if she wants more later.

• Do not drink too much to loosen up. It makes you sloppy and makes women leave.
• Do not tell everyone how fun you are. Show it.
• Do not mock other men to look better.
• Do not turn every moment into a joke. Be serious when it fits.

Ease like this comes from repetition, not from a trick. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, you spend two four-hour blocks per training day in real bars and lounges in Miami or New York, with a coach who tells you when you are forcing it and when you are relaxed. Group has three students per coach at most, and Private is you and the coach.