How to Open a Set of Women Who Look Unfriendly

Open the whole group, not just the woman you like. Walk up warm and unhurried, say something light about the place you are all in, and give them an easy way to answer or not. A cold face is usually a habit in a crowded room, not a verdict on you. If they stay closed after one honest try, say a friendly goodbye and walk away.

Women in a group at a bar or lounge have often been approached already that night. Their faces are set to a neutral, guarded default, and the group looks like a wall because it is partly meant to.

A woman may also be listening to a friend, tired from the week, or just not in the mood to be interesting for a stranger. None of that is about you. Do not read the expression as a message. Read what happens after your first sentence.

Women answer your energy before they answer your words. If you arrive tight and braced for a snub, you tell them that a snub is coming, and many women oblige.

Slow your walk, keep your hands visible, smile, and breathe out before you speak. Stand at a comfortable distance and angle yourself to the group instead of to one person. Treat it as a friendly question to people you hope will be friendly.

When you aim at one woman, her friends become guards. When you speak to all of them, you become a harmless addition to their night.

Use a short, light, situational opener. It should be about the room and easy to answer:

• "Quick question. Is this the best corner in the place, or did you just get here first?"
• "I am settling a bet. Is the drink menu here worth it or a trap?"
• "You three look like the only ones having a real conversation. What is the topic?"

Each of these has a real question, a small laugh and no pressure.

Most sets have one woman who plays gatekeeper. She is the friend who rolls her eyes or says "we are fine" before anyone else speaks.

Do not fight her and do not ignore her. Turn to her first with something warm and easy, like a question about where they are from. When the person least likely to like you decides you are all right, the rest relax.

A gatekeeper may also hand you a small test, like "you should buy her a drink." a dating coach's answer to that kind of test is to stay calm and polite and not become a pushover: appreciate the invitation, then suggest starting with names. Staying unreactive is the whole move.

Someone says "we are good" or answers with one word. You have three options, and only two are good.

• Stay playful. Smile and ask a smaller question, or tell one short, light line about yourself. If they warm, continue.
• Leave cleanly. "No problem, enjoy your night." Smile, turn and go.
• Do not argue. Never say "relax," "what is your problem," or "I was just being nice." Those lines tell them you cannot take a no, and they confirm why the set looked guarded.

You will know within a minute or two. Women who are opening up face you, ask you something back, laugh without being asked to, and shift to let you stand in the circle.

Women who are staying closed answer in a word, look past you, keep their shoulders turned and send glances to each other that mean "make him go." Believe the second list and do not talk yourself out of it.

A closed set can warm quickly if the first minute is fun. You do not need to be a comedian. You need to be easy to be around.

• Say something light and a little playful, not a heavy compliment.
• Include everyone when you talk. Do not stare at the one you like.
• Be curious about them as people, not as a list of questions.
• End it before it drags. A short, good chat with a promise to come back beats a long one that fades.

Men sometimes keep working a cold group for ten minutes. That does not look persistent. It looks like you have no other options.

Give each set one clean attempt and a reasonable second beat if you see a sign. If it is not there, walk away with your shoulders relaxed. You have learned how you do under a cold reaction, which is the point of the reps.

Cold sets are some of the hardest approaches for a man with nerves. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp, you get live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set, so a closed group becomes a drill instead of a dread. It runs in Miami and New York, with nightgame and daygame mixed to suit the student.

You can book Group, with no more than three students per coach, or Private, fully 1-on-1 for one, two or three days.