How to Ask a Woman Her Age

Ask lightly, after you have talked for a while, and be ready to hear "I'd rather not say." A good version sounds like play: "Okay, I'm going to guess. Twenty-nine?" It is not rude to wonder, but a flat "how old are you?" in the first minute of a conversation can feel like a form being filled out. If she dodges, smile and move on, because her age matters less than whether you have rapport and like talking to each other.

It depends on timing and tone, not on the question itself. People ask each other their age all the time, and most women are comfortable with it among friends. What bothers them is being asked cold, by a stranger who seems to be sorting them into a category.

So the rule is simple: ask when she knows you a bit, when it is part of a chat and not an interview, and when you can take any answer, or no answer, calmly.

a dating coach makes the related point from the other side, that you want a woman to know you and like you before age ever becomes a factor. The same holds for her. Let the conversation run for a while, and the question will sound curious and not like a screening.

Make it a guess. Guessing turns the question into a game. "I'm going to say you're twenty-six, and you can correct me." If you are close, she smiles. If you are off, she gets to tell you, and you can laugh at yourself.

Ask around it. Questions about her life tell you a lot without the number. "What year did you finish school?" or "Were you around for the first season of that show?" often lead to her age without making age the topic.

Trade it. Offer yours first, lightly: "I'm thirty-four, and I still can't figure out how to fold a fitted sheet. What about you?" It invites her to answer in kind and does not put her on the spot.

Ask it plainly, when it fits. If you have talked for a while, it is perfectly fine to say, "Can I ask how old you are?" Say it with a smile and a normal tone.

Some women do not like sharing their age, and they do not owe it to you. If she says "a lady never tells" or "guess," play along: "Fine, I'm going with fifty-three, and you can correct me."

If she says "I'd rather not say," believe her and move on to something else. Do not ask again, push with "come on," or guess five times in a row. Pressing on a question she has declined is what turns curiosity into pressure, and she will remember it.

You can still get what you need. Whether she is a good match for you shows in how she talks, what she wants and what she has done. Her number is only a small part of that.

This one is not optional. If there is any chance a woman is under eighteen, because of where you met her or how she looks or acts, you ask, and if she is under eighteen, you end the conversation. Do not flirt, do not ask for contact and do not take the risk. Meet women at places that are for adults and you will rarely face the question.

If she is much younger or older than you, the age question tends to carry more weight, so it helps to think ahead.

a dating coach's advice, for an older man dating younger women, is not to bring up the age question yourself and to let her get to know you first. By the time the number comes up, she should see you as a person, not as a number. If she asks, you answer honestly and without apology. He also suggests carrying yourself so you are the one with perspective and things going on in your life, instead of a man worried that she will think he is too old.

Be honest about your age from the start with anyone who asks. Lying about it will cost you far more than the number ever would. And if she is much older than you, treat it the same way: be curious, not surprised, and do not turn it into a topic.

Say it simply and say it with ease. "I'm thirty-four." Then follow with something that moves the chat along, such as "and it's the best I've felt about my life so far. How about you?" Hesitation or a joke at your own expense signals that you worry about it. A calm answer and a quick return to the conversation tells her you don't.

If her age is within the range you are comfortable with, say nothing special and carry on. If it is a surprise, take a breath, smile and keep talking. If it matters to you more than you thought, you can stop pursuing her kindly, without a comment. Never say "you look older" or "you look much younger," because both are rude and neither helps.