How to Approach Women: From the Walk Over to a Clean Goodbye

To approach women, walk toward her at an easy pace, stop a few steps away, get her attention, and say one plain line about her or the place you are both in. The line only has to start a conversation. What you say in the next minute matters more, and so does leaving without fuss if she is not interested.

An approach is the short stretch between not talking and talking. It starts when you decide to walk over. It ends when the two of you are in a normal conversation. Nothing else is expected of it.

The bar is lower than most men think. The purpose of opening is very simple. It's to get a conversation started. If you say hi and she says, hey, what's up, back, you're done. You've had a good opener. As long as you get a response, as long as she engages with you, you've achieved what you need to.

That changes how you prepare. You do not need a line that impresses her. You need a line she can answer in a few seconds. A lot of guys, the reason they don't want to approach is they think they have to have the perfect opener. You don't.

You are also asking a stranger for a little of her time, so keep the opening short and get past it quickly. This guide covers meeting women face to face. The last section carries the same ideas to a first message online.

Choose a woman who has a free moment. She is standing in a queue, waiting for a friend, looking at a shelf, walking at an ordinary pace, or sitting with nothing in her hands. A short hello fits all of those.

Skip the moments when it does not fit:

• She has earbuds in or is on a call.
• She is hurrying toward a door or carrying more than she can manage.
• She is in a serious talk with someone.
• She is working. A cashier or a server in the middle of a rush has to be polite to you, so leave her alone.

Places with a built-in reason to talk are the easiest. A bookshop, a street market, a path in a park, an event, a bar and the line for anything all give you something to comment on. The gym and the office are harder, because she cannot easily walk away from you and you will see her again. Keep any hello there light, and make it simple for her to say no.

Go soon after you decide. The longer you stand still, the longer the walk feels, and you start building the whole conversation in your head before it exists. Put your phone away, take your hands out of your pockets, and walk over at a steady pace.

Three situations cover most walk-ups. She is facing you, she is moving away from you, or she is walking along beside the way you are heading. Each has a simple answer.

When she is facing you, stop in front of her with some room between you. When stopping from the front, what you really want to do is have a nice distance between you and her so that you have a nice amount of time for her to get to know you, convey your personality. She's not shocked. It just seems more natural that way.

When she is moving away, say "excuse me" loudly enough to carry. If that does not stop her, one light tap on the shoulder will. Tap on the shoulder to get the attention, but then give enough distance that when she turns around, it's not immediately in your face. It's not awkward, and you can ease into a natural, normal conversation.

When she is walking, come in at her angle and her speed. Match the angles and sort of match the pace. You don't want to be coming in at side on, that's very aggressive, if she's walking and you're side on to her. Also, you don't want to be at a drastically different pace. You don't want to be running up on her. You also don't want to be stopped and then start again. You want it to seem, again, as natural as possible.

In all three cases, stay where she can see you, and leave her a clear way to walk off. Nobody should feel cornered by a stranger.

The most common way an opener fails is that she never heard it. So the first job is to get her eyes, not to deliver the line.

Say "excuse me" in a firm, friendly voice and wait until she looks at you. If she doesn't turn, say it once more. If she still doesn't, let her go. Two clear tries are enough.

When she stops, stop too. Anytime you want the girl to stop, you need to plant your feet. A man who keeps drifting or shuffling tells her he is about to leave.

Then use your voice and assume it's going to happen. If you go timidly, if you assume it's not going to happen, it probably will not. If you assume that it will happen, most of the time, even if you do something technically wrong, you'll get a pretty good result.

A small smile helps. A fixed grin does not, and neither does a wide-eyed stare. Look at her eyes, say the line, and stay relaxed.

All of this is aimed at the first half minute. If after the first 30 seconds she's engaging with you and talking to you a lot, everything else gets easy.

It matters a lot more what you say after the opener than what your actual opener is. Still, you need something to say, so here are three kinds that hold up, from the most direct to the most indirect.

The right amount of directness is a balance. You don't want to be so direct that you're getting rejection, rejection, rejection, and barely ever succeeding. On the other hand, you don't want to be so indirect that even after you've opened, you've made no progress and you just have to open again within the interaction. If she seems fairly friendly, go highly direct and be very complimentary. If she seems a little bit more aloof, you might have to bide your time a little bit and convey more personality before you're able to bridge that gap.

The direct opener. You say you noticed her and you want to meet her:

"Hey, you had an interesting look. I wanted to come meet you and find out if you're as cool as you look."

Then give your own name. Keep it that short. Don't embellish too much. Put it out there, get done with it. A second compliment on top of the first adds nothing.

The observation. You say what you see in front of you, with a light touch:

"Wow, that is like the biggest smile that I've seen all day."

"Could you do that again? That was hilarious."

Generally anything you come up with on the spot will be better than something canned. The place you are standing in gives you plenty to work with. A woman holding two coffees, a busker playing the wrong song, a sign that makes no sense: any of those can open a talk. Skip comments about her body, and skip anything you would not say in front of her friends.

The opinion question. You ask for a quick judgment on something:

"Hey, excuse me, I need your opinion on something really fast."

Follow it with a real question you are curious about, such as which of two cafes is better or whether a street is worth walking down. The opinion opener, if you don't do it well, can be a bit of fool's gold because you get trapped in this one conversational topic. You have to transition it off the opinion into something more personal. After she answers, say something about yourself, or ask what brought her to the area.

Pick one of the three and use it for a few weeks before you change it. A line you have said ten times comes out in an easy voice. A line you have never said sounds like a line.

Most men say their opener like a question. The sentence ends on a rising note, as if they are asking permission. Everything sounds like a question even though it's not a question. It's almost like you're seeking permission to talk to her. If you're going in and telling her she should give you a negative reaction, she probably will.

The other common mistake is to trail off, so the sentence has no end. She does not feel that anything was asked of her, so she keeps walking.

Say the line so it lands like a period. An exclamation point is maybe a little too much. What you want to do is a little less than that, which is just a period with maybe even a hint of exclamation. Then add a smile. The vibe you want on the open is you believe what you're saying, you will be heard, but you're not super intense and serious.

Pace matters as much as tone. Pacing the opener more slowly doesn't mean you have to talk slowly. It just means pause. Say the first half, take a breath, say the rest. Then stop and let her answer. Men who rush end up talking over the reply they were hoping for.

Your body does the same job as your voice. Keep your shoulders loose, your hands visible, and your eyes on her face, not scanning her from head to toe. Face her at a slight angle instead of squaring up like you are about to ask her to sign something.

The line works, and she says a few words back. Now comes the part where many men lose the talk. Say you're in a queue and you say, "Oh man, the line's always so long here." She says, "Yeah, I know what you mean." Then she turns around, because that was all the conversation that was required of her. A lot of guys give up right there.

Don't. Say something else, even something small: "I haven't seen you here before. Is this your normal place that you get coffee?" Is it the greatest thing to say? No, it's not even good conversation. But what does it do? It does give you one more chance to get the conversation going.

You have to understand the distinction between failure and stopping. If she responds, but then the conversation kind of dies out, that's not a failure. It's just a temporary pause. You need to pick the conversation up, put it on your shoulders, and carry it one more time. You don't need to be super seductive or super player-ish or incredibly clever. You just want to be talkative.

Once she is giving you real answers, change how you talk:

• Share, don't quiz. A mission for you would be to try to never ask three questions consecutively, and ideally very rarely two. One question's fine. Two questions in a row is bad. Three questions in a row is like death.
• Give opinions and stories. Be willing to tell stories, be willing to have opinions, be willing to say, I love this, I hate this. That kind of stuff will make you much more engaging than these very mundane questions. So if you ask the question and she answers, follow up with I love or I hate, or give an opinion, or tell a short story.
• Skip the label. Don't mention that you came up and talked to her. After the open, you're just in a conversation. Try not to point out that it's a cold approach. Just talk.
• Drop the opener. In a perfect world, you would love to not even have to open. As soon as the girl starts responding and acting like it's the middle of a conversation, stop opening and have the middle of the conversation.

Here is how the first minute might sound in a bookshop. You say, "That's the one everybody tells me to read. Is it worth it?" She says it's good but slow at the start. You say, "I usually give a book fifty pages, then I'm out. What's your rule?" She laughs and says she finishes everything out of stubbornness. You say, "I'd love to be that stubborn, but I abandon at least one a month." Each of your lines gives her something to answer, and none of them is a pile of questions.

Watch what she does while you talk. These point toward yes:

• She keeps eye contact and looks relaxed.
• She asks you something back.
• She laughs, adds details, or changes the subject to something of hers.
• Her body is turned toward you, her phone is away, and she is in no hurry.

These point toward no:

• Short answers with no question back.
• Her eyes drift to the door, her phone or her friends.
• Her feet and shoulders turn away from you.
• She mentions that she is late, meeting someone or about to go.

One flat answer is not a verdict. People are distracted, and a stranger caught them off guard. Give it a second try, as above. Two flat answers in a row, or any clear sign of a no, means the talk is finished.

Finish it well. Say something warm and short, then go:

"Good to meet you. Enjoy the rest of your day."

Do not ask why, do not try one more line, and do not linger nearby. A man who leaves easily makes a better impression than a man who argues, and it keeps things pleasant for the next man who says hello to her. A clean exit is part of the skill, and you can score it as a success.

If the signs are good but she is in a hurry, tell her you only have a minute too. That takes the pressure off her, and it gives you a natural point to ask for the next step.

Women in a group. Say hello to the group, not only to her. Look at the friends as well. Ask the group your question, and keep it light enough that anyone can answer. Talk with her friends for a minute. Her friends are part of the moment, and how you treat them shows in how she sees you. If she steps toward you or leans in, you have your opening. If the group closes ranks, smile, say it was nice meeting them, and go. Never pull her aside in the first minute.

A woman sitting alone. She has had time to look you over, so be plain about why you came. Walk up where she can see you, and stop a few steps away. Ask about what is in front of her, such as her drink, her book or the table by the window. Leaning over her feels like being loomed over, so keep some distance. Ask before you sit: "Is this seat free? I'll only stay a minute." If she says it is not free, say thanks and leave. If she says yes, take it, keep the stay short, and stand up while the talk is still going well.

Do not sit down next to a woman who is working, studying or clearly wants to be alone. She will be too polite to say so.

When the talk is going well, do not stretch it until it runs out of steam. A conversation of a few good minutes is enough for a clear ask. If you wait for the perfect moment, it doesn't come.

Say it plainly and give her an easy way to answer:

"I have to get going, but I would love to talk to you sometime. Maybe take you for a drink. What's the best way to reach you?"

Hand her your phone to type her number in, or ask for her number and put it in yours. If she is happy to give it, send a short text before you part, so she has your name: "It's Mark from the bookshop." Then say goodbye. Do not stand and wait for a reply.

If she says no, or says she has a partner, smile and say, "No problem. Good to meet you." Don't ask why and don't try to change her mind.

A day or two later, send one text that suggests a specific plan, such as a time and a place. A short text with a clear plan is easier to answer than a friendly wave that asks nothing.

There is no number of approaches that works for everyone, and counting them alone teaches you very little. Doing approaches just to run up numbers of approaches is not going to get your results, and it's not going to teach you anything. You need to be doing quality approaches. Not just approaches for the sake of approaches. That's how you're going to get results. That's how you're going to learn. Going through the motions is just a waste of time.

After each one, take thirty seconds and ask what went right and what you would change. Write one line in your notes. That is the whole review.

Then set goals you can actually hit. Whatever level you're at, you want to set goals that you can actually hit as often or more often than not. They should be a challenge to you. They shouldn't be so easy they're boring, but they should be goals where you can see measurable success and measurable progress. A first goal could be a hello and a smile. The next could be a conversation of a minute. After that, a plan to meet. Lower your threshold for positive success. Positive success does not mean getting a number. It maybe just means getting a hello and a positive reaction.

Your expectations steer more than your technique does. When you walk up and start talking to a girl, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it something positive or something negative? If you believe that you are going to get a bad reaction, you can do so many things technically right and you will get a bad reaction. If you believe you're going to get a good reaction, you can do a lot of things technically wrong and you'll get a good reaction. Your eye contact changes when you expect a negative reaction. Your body language, your tone of voice change when you expect a negative reaction. The words you use change when you expect a negative reaction.

So pick a calmer thought before you walk over. If you have the thought that people are social and it's normal to talk to people, you're probably gonna do fine.

Give yourself a fair stretch of time as well. Plan for months of practice, not a week, and judge yourself on the habits you can control: how often you go, how well you start, and how you leave.

How do you approach women for the first time?

Start small and in daylight. Pick a busy, friendly place, a woman with a free moment, and a line about something you can both see. Your only goal is a hello and a short answer. Do it a few times a week, and each one will feel less strange than the last. Do not plan what happens after the first minute until you have had a few minutes of real talk.

How do you approach women without being weird?

Be brief, be clear and take the answer you get. You do need to show that you have some interest in the girl. However, there is a big difference between interest and agenda. Interest means you would like it if something happened between you and the girl. Agenda means you want to do something to the girl. You have this idea that you want something regardless of the girl's opinion of it, the girl's feelings of it. Show the first and never the second. In practice, that means no remarks about her body, no blocking her path, no following her, and no second attempt after a no.

What do you say when you approach a girl?

Say one of three things: a direct line that says you noticed her, a comment about something you can both see, or a quick question that asks for her opinion. Give your name. Then ask one question, share one thing about yourself, and keep going from what she tells you. Plain beats clever, and a calm voice beats both.

How do you approach women who are with their friends?

Greet the whole group, talk to her friends as well, and let her decide when to turn toward you. Keep the first minute light. If the group is clearly closed to you, say it was nice to meet them and walk off. You lose nothing by leaving, and you may be remembered kindly.

How do you approach a girl and get her number?

Talk first, then ask. Wait until she is smiling, answering and adding things of her own. Then say you have to go but would like to see her again, and ask for the best way to reach her. Take her answer without argument. A short text within a day or two, with a time and place, turns the number into a date.

How do you approach women online?

The same ideas hold. The first message has one job, which is to get a reply. Mention something specific from her page, say it in a sentence or two, and end with one question she can answer in a line. Don't open with a compliment about her body or a long speech about yourself. If she answers, share something back instead of firing a second question. If she doesn't, send at most one light follow-up and move on.