How to Position Your Body When You Walk Up to a Woman

Come in from the side or the front where she can see you, stay at a relaxed distance, keep your chest open instead of square-on, and never cut across her path. That one sentence covers most of what matters when you approach a woman in person. Her first read of you happens before you say a word, and your body position is most of what she is reading.

a dating coach says the first element of an approach is the angle, "a big one" that "guys mess up a lot." It is almost a whole topic of its own: are you coming at someone who is walking, standing or sitting, from the front or from behind, and is she moving toward you or away?

The reason angle matters is simple. A woman has no idea who is approaching her. If she sees you early and from a direction that looks friendly, she has time to decide you are fine. If you appear suddenly or block her way, her first feeling is alarm, and everything you say afterwards has to fix that.

This is the case where men make the most errors, so a dating coach is specific about it. Do not come at her at a ninety-degree angle, cutting across her path. If she flinches or has to change course when you arrive, a dating coach says you did it wrong, because you impeded her progress.

Instead, merge in and walk with her. Move parallel to her with decent space between you, and half a step in front of her. Half a step in front looks less needy than trailing behind. It also lets you see when she slows or stops, so you can stop with her rather than bumping into the moment.

Do not come from directly behind either. A voice from behind startles people.

Approach from where she can see you coming, ideally a little to the side. Walking straight into the front of a woman who is looking at a phone or a menu can feel like a confrontation. A slight diagonal that ends beside her, or just in front of her at a comfortable distance, feels more like a visitor than a blockade.

Stop at a distance that leaves her room. If you end up closer than you would stand to a coworker you just met, step back half a pace.

Do not stand over her. Come in at her side and, if there is a free seat or a ledge, keep your head close to the level of hers. Looming makes you taller, which is not what you want in a first impression.

Keep an easy exit open for her. If a table or a wall traps her, she will feel it, even if she cannot say why.

Square-on, with your toes aimed at her and your arms folded, looks like an interview. A slightly angled stance, with your weight relaxed and your hands visible, looks like a conversation. Keep your hands out of your pockets and away from your face.

If you made eye contact earlier, do not hesitate. a dating coach's guidance is that if you make eye contact, "wave or say something right away." If you look away and approach later, it looks like you were lingering and deciding, which is the version that reads as stalking.

a dating coach is clear that a list of body-language rules can make nervous men worse. In his early coaching days he read out a list of things not to do before sending men out, and the men then did all of them. He now treats good body language as a result of being relaxed: "Calm confident relaxed. If you are that you'll get away with doing specific things wrong."

Use the angle as a starting point and let the rest come from being at ease.

Reading about angles is one thing. Having someone watch you walk up and say "you stopped too close" or "you came in too square" is another. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, a coach is next to you for every approach, with feedback after each set. It runs in Miami and New York: Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach, and Private is one, two or three days one-on-one, with two four-hour blocks each day. There is no skill floor and no experience required.