How to Approach a Woman at the Bar Without Buying Her a Drink

Walk up, say hello, and open with something real about the room, like how slow the bartender is or what she ordered. Do not offer a drink as your ticket in. If she or her friend asks you to buy one, say "sure, in a minute, who are you first?" Buy later, once she likes you, and only as a way to spend more time with her.

When a man opens with "can I buy you a drink?" he tells her that talking to him costs something and that he does not expect to get her attention otherwise. a dating coach describes buying a woman a drink as the price of admission when she makes it a condition, and says it is supplicating to a degree.

There is also a practical reason. A woman who has been bought three drinks by strangers tonight knows what that offer means, and she knows that the drink does not change what she thinks of you.

You are standing in a place with bartenders, music, drinks and other people. Any of those is a free opener.

• "Is it always this slow, or did I pick the wrong night?"
• "That drink looks better than mine. What is it?"
• "Do you know if the kitchen is open or is it only drinks?"

Say it with a smile and a little space.

Bar space is tight, and where you stand shapes her first reaction. Do not lean over her shoulder or wedge yourself between her and her friend. Pick a spot a little to the side where she can see you, with room for her to step away.

If you are ordering, order first, hold your own drink, and turn to the person next to you as if you had just noticed her. Having your own drink also gives your hands a job.

Sometimes the test comes right away. A woman says "you should buy me a drink," or her friend says it for her. a dating coach's advice is not to say yes and not to say no.

• Do not simply buy it. If you do, you may get used: she takes the drink, her friend drags her away and you have paid for a conversation that never happened.
• Do not lecture her. A speech about why you do not buy drinks for strangers turns a small moment into an argument. Saying no flatly makes you look cheap, and the friend will end the chat.
• Do say "sure, in a minute." Smile and say something like, "I would love to have a drink with you, but who are you first?" Then actually find out.

A related version he gives is to answer the friend with something polite and unbothered, like "to be fair, I do not know you yet, maybe we start with names." You keep your frame and you keep it friendly.

The advice is not "never buy a drink." It is that the drink should follow the connection, not buy it.

a dating coach's example: you have been talking for thirty or forty minutes, it is going well, and you want a natural reason to move her away from her friends. Taking her to the bar for a drink is a smart move then. Many women also expect a night out to include a drink, so when you remove drinks from the picture it can feel to them like it does not fit the evening.

The key distinction is whether she liked you before you spent the money. If she did, a drink is logistics. If she did not, it is a bribe.

Once the conversation is warm, the bar is often the wrong place to continue it. It is loud and she has her friends at her elbow.

Suggest a quieter spot: a table, a patio, the other end of the room. "Come on, let's find a seat where I can hear you." If she is up for it, order a round together there. This is the point at which a drink helps you.

• Do not stand at the bar waiting for her to look over. That is hoping, not approaching.
• Do not hand a drink to a woman who has not spoken to you.
• Do not ask which drink she wants before you have said anything else.
• Do not get angry if she turns down the offer. Smile and keep going.

Most men who fall back on buying drinks are avoiding the moment of walking up with nothing in their hands but a hello. That moment is the skill. It gets smaller each time you do it.

A good drill: for one night, do not buy anyone a drink. Open ten sets with a comment about the room, and see what happens.

A Cold Approach Bootcamp puts you in real bars and lounges in Miami or New York with a coach next to you. You get live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set, including what you said when the drink question came up. Nightgame and daygame are mixed to suit the student.

You can choose Group, with no more than three students per coach, or Private, fully 1-on-1 for one, two or three days.