How to Approach a Woman at a Party When You Are Not Drinking

Pick up a seltzer or a soda so your hands have something to do, walk over, and open with a comment about what is happening around you. Nobody at a party is checking what is in your cup. What she will notice is whether you are relaxed. Your clear head is a real advantage here, because you can see how she is responding and she is not talking to a man who is slurring.

A lot of men reach for a drink because they do not know what to do with their arms. My answer is simple: you can hold a seltzer water, an orange juice or a virgin cocktail, and it is no big deal. The only way it becomes a big deal is if you make it one.

Get the cup first, before you walk the room. Standing empty-handed at the edge of a party looks like waiting, and a man who is waiting looks like he is nervous.

Someone will notice and ask. Give a short, calm answer and move on to a different topic.

• "Not tonight. I'm driving." Or "I'm good with this."
• "I don't drink much. What are you having?"

Do not explain, apologise or lecture. My observation about women is that they are comfortable as long as you are at the same level as they are in the experience and you are having fun with them. A speech about why you stay sober turns a small detail into the topic of the night. A shrug keeps it small.

You do not need a line. You need something true about the moment.

• "That's a great playlist. Do you know who picked it?"
• "I don't know anybody here except the host. How do you know them?"
• "I'm about to get more of those dumplings. Are they as good as they look?"

Say your name, ask a real question, and listen. Her answer will tell you what to say next.

The way to approach without alcohol is to talk to a lot of people in a row and keep little time between conversations. After a handful of quick chats, you stop worrying about the next one, because you are busy with the person in front of you. That way you build the loose, free feeling a drink gives other people, but you get it from practice, and it stays when the night ends.

So do not begin by picking out the most attractive woman in the room. Say hello to the host, then to someone beside the snacks, then to two people laughing in the kitchen. By the time you reach her, you are already warm.

This is the part sober men underrate. You can tell when a woman is interested: she faces you, she asks you things, she stays when her friends move on. You can also tell when she is not interested, and you can leave without making it awkward.

It also lets you see how much she has had to drink. If she is slurring, unsteady, or struggling to follow what you say, step back. Talk to her friend or leave it. A woman who is too drunk cannot really say yes, and nothing you want from the night is worth getting that way.

If it is going well, do not let the best part of the night be the whole thing. Get her number or move the conversation somewhere quieter: "Let's get some air for a minute." Before you go, set up a plan that does not involve a bar: "I'd like to see you again. A walk and coffee on Saturday?"

You have an edge in the next day too. You remember the conversation clearly, so you can text her something specific about what she said.

When the conversation hits a high point, end it first. "I'm going to go say hi to a couple of friends. I'm glad I found you." Then do it. You can come back later, or text her the next day.