What to Talk About on a First Video Call With a Dating App Match

Talk about what you already started in the chat, then add one easy question and one short story. Keep it to about ten minutes, and end it while it's still fun by naming a plan for the date. The call isn't an interview. Its only job is to let each of you see that the other is a real person worth an evening.

The easiest first line is something she already told you. Bumble's own advice for a first call is to go back to something your match shared earlier, or to bring up a story that's "way too complicated to type out." Both give the call a reason to exist, so it doesn't open with two people staring at each other.

Try:

• "You said you just got back from Portugal. I need the real version, not the text version."
• "I was going to tell you about my sister's wedding disaster, but it's better out loud."

Bumble's own page also suggests, for calls generally, sharing hobbies and favorite shows, introducing a pet, or showing something you've been working on. Those work because they give her something to react to.

A low-stakes opinion question is better than a serious one. Bumble gives the example of asking for a judgment on a redecorated living room. A Utah State University extension article on first-date conversation recommends starting light, with questions about where the person lives and what they like about it, and moving to background and family only once the vibe feels right.

Then do the part that matters. Pick up what she says and ask about that. If she mentions her job, don't say "cool" and jump to your next question. Ask what the worst part of it is.

If the call stalls, Match's chief dating expert Rachel DeAlto points to the New York Times "36 Questions To Fall In Love," which she says "are still valid." Use one or two, not the whole list.

Pick a story from your own week, not your résumé. Thirty seconds, with a funny or human detail, and then hand it back: "Anyway, that's my week. What's yours been like?" The goal is a balance where neither of you is doing most of the talking.

The Utah State article says to avoid past relationships, finances, family drama, past sexual relationships, politics, religion and oversharing personal problems. On a first call you also don't need to settle where this is going.

One more from DeAlto: if the state of the world comes up, you can acknowledge it, then change the subject to getting to know her. Don't use the call to vent.

Short on purpose. Ten minutes is enough to hear her laugh and for her to hear you. DeAlto's upper limit is 45 minutes: "I don't think anybody should be going over 45 minutes on their first video date." If it's going so well that you want to go longer, that's the sign to book the date, not to extend the call.

End while it's still fun, with something specific:

"This is good. Let's do Thursday. I'll send you a place."

If you don't have a day in mind, ask: "Are you free Thursday or Saturday evening?" Don't end with "we should hang out sometime."

a dating coach recommends a call before the first date, on video if you can, through FaceTime, WhatsApp or whatever she is comfortable with. His reasoning has two parts. Plenty of women do not look like their profile photos, and a short chat lets you see her and decide whether the date is worth an evening. A ten-minute call can save you a whole night.

The second reason is that a call raises her investment before the date. Women you set dates with through text alone flake more often. Women you have heard and seen, even briefly, flake less, because she now knows you are a real person and not a handful of messages. A date built on a call is a date that shows up.

On Bumble, a video icon and a phone icon show up in the top right of your chat after you match. Bumble says women can call as soon as they match, which counts as their first move, and men can call only after a first move has been made. Calls don't need phone numbers swapped.

To ask, make it small and give it a time:

"Want to do a quick video call tomorrow evening before we pick a place? Ten minutes, eight or nine works for me."

If she says she'd rather not, don't push. Some women dislike being on camera with a stranger. Go straight to the date with a clear time and place.

Sometimes it's awkward and nothing fixes it. Don't fill the silence with apologies. Say "I think we're both a little nervous. Let's save the rest for the date," and end it kindly. If you're the one who isn't feeling it, end warmly and don't book the date. The call did its job.