How to Talk to a New Woman over Text

Keep your messages short and playful, talk about things that interest her more than about weather and jobs, and keep steering toward a real plan. With a new girl, the question "what can I talk about?" has a simple answer: something she can have an opinion on, something funny from your day, and something that hints you want to see her. Aim the whole conversation at a date.

Most texting with a new girl fails in the same way. The man asks "how was your day," she says "good, you?", and both of them go quiet. The topics are polite and empty, so there is nothing to react to.

coach says to keep texting informal, friendly and fun, and not to interrogate the girl with a string of dull questions. Add your own flair and some teasing when you can. A text conversation should feel like a good moment between two people, not a form.

My rule is to keep each text short and carry one idea, two at most. If a message has plans, a joke, a question about her sister and a story about your weekend, she has nothing to hold on to.

A good message gives her a clear handle. She should know exactly what part she can answer. "I just saw a man walk a cat on a leash and the cat looked more confident than me" gives her something to laugh at and add to. "My day was weird" gives her homework.

Some safe and strong topics:

• Something small and funny from your day. A real moment, kept short, tells her what your life is like and gives her an easy way to join in.
• What she is into. Ask what she is passionate about or what she does for fun, and then react with your own opinion. coach notes that talking about what a girl likes emotionally is much closer to getting a date than talking about the weather.
• Light disagreements. "Pineapple on pizza, defend yourself" gives her a reason to answer and tease back.
• Playful guesses about her. "You seem like the type who has a strong opinion about coffee" makes it about her, which keeps her engaged.
• Plans and places. Restaurants, bars, weekend ideas, places she has been. These are the topics that lead naturally to a date.

If she asks you what to talk about, the answer is the same. Pick something fun, say it in a line or two, and follow where she goes.

A string of questions turns into an interview. Use a statement and leave space. Instead of "do you like Italian food?", say "I found an Italian place with four tables and a very proud chef. I am going back." She might ask where, tease you, or tell you about her favorite.

Questions still matter. Mix them in, but do not make them carry the whole conversation.

My rule of thumb is not to go backward voluntarily. A conversation usually builds from small talk to more interested, to more invested, to plans. If you are in a flirty exchange and suddenly ask about the weather, you have to climb back up.

So when things are going well, move toward plans. Use a qualifier, a vague suggestion, and a close. For example: "Are you a bar person or a dinner person?" She answers. "Good, I know a place that is both. What does your week look like?"

If she answers with one word, asks you nothing back and shows no interest in plans, do not try harder with clever topics. Match her effort. A short reply from you is fine, and then leave it alone for a while.

If she gives you detail, asks questions and brings up a next time, she is engaged. Keep going and ask her out.

If she is slow to answer, resist the urge to send a second message that explains the first. coach says double texting looks needy and draws attention to what you worried about. Give her time. If she is warm in her next answer, carry on. If a day or two passes, one calm line is fine.

Short messages, one idea, a little teasing, topics she cares about, and a plan within a few messages. If you are not sure what to say, say something fun and true about your day, and then ask her what she thinks.