What Should You Talk About With a Match on a Dating App?

Talk about something she showed you, a small story from your own week, and something the two of you could do. Those three keep a chat alive and point it at a date. Lists of facts, job talk and jokes about the app itself keep it flat, and flat chats are the ones that end.

The easiest topic is already on her page. A photo from a trip, a dog, a hobby, a line she wrote about food. She put those there on purpose, so asking about them is both safe and welcome.

The trick is to ask about the detail, not the category. "Do you like to travel?" gets a yes. "Where did you take that picture on the water?" gets a story.

A good test: could any man have sent your message to any woman? If so, it is too general. Name the thing you noticed and one reason it caught your eye.

a dating coach makes a point about conversation on dates that applies just as much to a chat. Facts lead to friendship, and emotions and stories lead to attraction.

So when she asks what you do for fun, do not recite hobbies like a resume. Tell her about the worst climb you ever did and why you went back. When travel comes up, skip the list of countries and tell her about the moment on the trip that scared you and thrilled you at the same time.

The rule is easy to hold in your head. Do not report what you did. Say what it was like. A short, vivid story gives her something to react to and tells her what you are like, which a list never does.

These are safe and they move:

• Something specific on her page, with a real question about it.
• Food, and the places in your city she likes or wants to try.
• A trip, but told as a story, not an itinerary.
• What she is doing this weekend, which quietly opens the door to making plans.
• A small, harmless opinion you can tease her about, like the right way to eat a certain food.
• Something that happened to you this week that was a little funny.

Notice that most of these are about her, about you, or about the two of you. coach sorts conversation that way, and the weakest ground is the third kind: third party topics that are about neither of you.

Movies and TV are the classic stall. coach does not like them as a date topic, and the same logic holds in a chat. They are hit or miss, because half the time she has not seen what you mention, and even when she has, you are discussing what a director wanted, not what you or she feel. The one use he gives them is as an excuse to invite her over later, once things are going well.

Other topics to leave alone early:

• Your job in detail, which turns the chat into an interview.
• Your ex, or hers.
• Politics and anything that invites an argument with a stranger.
• Complaints about the dating apps. She is on them too, and negativity is not attractive.
• A long list of questions in a row, which feels like a form.

None of these is forbidden forever. They just do not carry a chat toward a meeting, and getting to a meeting is the point.

My texting rules are a good guide here. Keep it short, and give her one or two ideas at most per message, not five. A long wall of text looks eager, and it is hard for her to answer in kind.

Short messages also keep the rhythm of a real conversation. You say something, she says something, and nobody has done homework. If you are writing a paragraph on an app, cut it in half and send the better half.

The topic list matters less than the direction. A chat with no direction can run for two weeks and go nowhere. A chat that is heading somewhere reaches a date within a small number of exchanges.

You get there by letting a topic produce a plan. She mentions a taco place she loves, so you say you have been looking for a good one and ask where she would go first. She mentions a trip, so you ask what she liked best and then suggest a drink where she can tell you the rest.

My own advice on texting is that the purpose of messages is to get to a call or a date, not to build an entire relationship by text. Use the chat to establish that you are fun to talk to, then move.

Some women answer in a few words. That does not always mean disinterest, since many people simply text that way. Give her something easy to respond to, like a clear either-or question, a light tease, or an invitation to pick a place.

If you have tried two or three times and the replies stay minimal, spend your effort on someone more engaged. At that point the problem is usually her level of interest rather than the topic.

Skip the topic bank and build three habits: read her page before you write, answer with a short story instead of a fact, and let the conversation point at a plan.

If your chats keep stalling anyway, the cause is usually something specific in how your messages read. That is much easier to spot when someone else looks at an actual conversation of yours.