How to Approach a Woman Who Seems Unapproachable

Most women who look unapproachable are not. A serious face, a polished look, or headphones tell you about her mood and her style, not about whether she would like to be greeted. Walk up calmly, say something simple and warm, and let her first reaction tell you the rest. If she is cold, you thank her and go. If she is not, you have just done what most men were afraid to.

When a man says a woman looks unapproachable, he is usually describing his own reaction to her. Look at what actually made him feel that.

• She is very attractive and he feels outclassed.
• She has a neutral or serious expression at rest.
• She is dressed well, and he reads it as "out of my league."
• She has headphones in or looks busy.
• She is in a group and he does not want to be seen failing.

Only the last two are real information. The first three are in your head. A woman with a neutral face is a woman thinking about her day. Plenty of women who look severe from across a room turn out to be warm and funny in the first ten seconds, and the men who never walked over never find out.

a dating coach's point about expectation applies here more than anywhere. If you walk up braced for a rude reaction, she sees it in your face and hears it in your voice, and she tends to give you one. If you walk up expecting a normal, friendly exchange, you usually get that, even when your opener was clumsy.

You do not need to convince yourself she will love you. You need to walk up as a man who expects to be fine whatever she says. That one change takes more tension out of the approach than any line.

Some women are unavailable, and the difference matters. Before you walk up, look for these.

• Headphones in with her eyes on a screen, which is a clear sign to skip her.
• Walking fast with a destination, which means wait or skip.
• On a call or visibly upset, which means leave her alone.
• Sitting, looking around, taking her time, which means she can probably spare a minute.

If she is open, a polished look is no obstacle. If she is not, you save yourself an awkward moment by noticing.

Men often try to match a woman's polish with a clever or elaborate opener, and the effort shows. A simple one is stronger.

"Hi, sorry to interrupt, I wanted to say hello. You look like you know exactly where you are going." That is calm, honest and easy to answer. It does not compliment her looks in a way that sounds rehearsed, and it does not demand anything.

Speak slowly and keep your shoulders loose. A relaxed, unhurried man stands out against the louder, more nervous way most men approach.

The most common failure with a very attractive woman is opening with how good she looks. She hears it all day. It marks you as one more man reacting to the surface, and it puts her in the position of grading you.

Open with something about the moment, her energy, or something she is doing. Then ask about her. A woman who is used to attention notices the man who treats her like a person with a mind.

Some women will be short, and some will say no. That is not proof she was unapproachable. It is proof she was not interested at that moment.

Say "No problem, have a good one" and keep walking. The way you take it is the part that counts, and being able to take it calmly makes the next approach lighter. After a handful of these, the word "unapproachable" starts to lose its hold. You will also notice that the women who looked hardest to approach are often the least used to being approached kindly, and many of them are glad of a calm, polite hello.

Reading about this does not move the nerves. Doing it does, and doing it with someone who can see your approach is faster still.

That is the idea behind the Cold Approach Bootcamp, held in the field in Miami and New York. Cold Approach specializes in approach anxiety, so the men who lock up at the sight of a woman they find intimidating are exactly who it is built for. Every level is welcome, there is no skill floor, and your coach starts from where you are.