What to Say to a Woman at a Bar

Say a short hello, give your name, and ask something easy about where you both are. "Hi, I'm Sam. Is it always this packed in here?" is a real opener, and so is any plain version of it. The first thing to say to a girl you approach at a bar does not need to be clever. It needs to be quick, friendly and easy to answer. The talk that follows matters far more than the first line.

Men spend weeks hunting for the best opener, then go blank at the moment. The line is only a door. What women respond to is how you feel to talk to: relaxed, polite, a little curious.

Nighttime approaches work when they make a stranger comfortable enough to keep talking. Volume and the best line do not do that. Pressure does the opposite, and pressure shows up as standing too close, talking too fast and rushing in with heavy intensity.

The direct hello. "Hi, I saw you over here and wanted to say hello. I'm Sam." It is honest and short. She knows why you came, and she can decide in a second.

The room comment. "Is this place always this loud, or is tonight special?" A shared setting gives her something to react to.

The small opinion question. "Settle something for me: is that drink worth what they charge?" People like being asked what they think about something low stakes.

Pick one, say it twice in the mirror, and keep it as your default. You will often think of something better once you are talking, but the default makes you walk over.

After her answer, you have three simple moves:

1. Give your name if you have not, and ask hers.
2. Ask one real question about her night: what brought her out, whether she is from the area, how she knows the people she is with.
3. Add one short thing about you, a sentence about your day or the last bar you tried.

Then follow what she says. If she mentions a trip, ask where she went and what the best part was. If she mentions her job, ask what the busiest day looked like. Following her answer gives you something to say for as long as she keeps talking.

Do not fire questions one after another. Mix in a statement after every question or two so it feels like a chat and not a quiz.

If she is in a group, say hello to the group. "You all look like you are having the best conversation in the room. What is the topic?" Include everyone, wait for the group to react, and then turn to her with a follow-up. Do not camp with the group for half an hour.

A pause is fine. Say what you see: "That bartender has been making the same cocktail for ten minutes." Or ask an either or: "Are you a coffee person at midnight or a tea person?" Keep it light, and do not worry about being funny every time. Be easy.

• Comments on her body.
• A rehearsed line that sounds rehearsed.
• Long stories about yourself.
• Sending a drink over before you have said a word.
• Saying more after she has given you a polite short answer.

If she turns toward you, asks questions back and keeps eye contact, keep going. If she gives one word, looks back at her friends, or keeps scanning the room, thank her and leave. "Nice meeting you, enjoy your night" is a good exit and costs nothing.

Remember that timing is part of it. A woman who has been hit on all night can give a short reply at midnight that she would not give at eight. That is not about you.

Knowing what to say is the small part. Saying it to a real stranger with a dry mouth is the large part, and it improves fastest with a coach beside you. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp you get live coaching on every approach in the venue and feedback after every set. It runs in Miami and New York. Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach, and Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. A total beginner is welcome, and approach anxiety is the specialty.