What to Say to a Woman at a Bar When You Do Not Know What to Say

Say hello, tell her why you came over, and ask something easy about where you both are. "Hi, I'm Sam. You looked like you were having the best time in here, so I wanted to meet you. Is this place always this busy?" That is enough. You do not need a clever line, and a plain one is easier for her to answer.

Most men go blank at a bar because they are trying to be impressive. They want the perfect opener, so they search for it while the moment passes. a dating coach points out that things move fast in bars. A woman who stands alone for a few seconds can be joined by someone else, or walk away, before you have finished thinking.

The fix is to decide what you will say before you are anywhere near her, so the hesitation has nothing to feed on.

coach calls this a default opener: one line you always have ready for the moments you have nothing else. His examples are things like "Hey, I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you," or a comment on the venue, or "I need your opinion on something."

Choose yours tonight and say it out loud twice. Three kinds work well at a bar:

• The direct hello. "Hey, I saw you over here and wanted to say hi. I'm Sam."
• The room comment. "Is this place always this loud, or is tonight special?"
• The opinion question. "Settle something for me: is the drink you have worth the price?"

You will often think of something better once you are talking. The default is there so you walk over anyway.

After the opener, you only need three moves, and you can repeat them.

1. Give your name and ask hers. It sounds basic, and it keeps the talk from feeling like a quiz.
2. Ask one real question about her. "What brought you out tonight?" or "Are you from here?" Pick one you are curious about.
3. Add one small thing about yourself. Not a speech. A sentence about your day or the last place you went.

Then ask a follow-up to what she said. If she says she just got back from a trip, ask where she went and what the best part was. If she says she works in a hospital, ask what the busiest night was like. Following her answer gives you something to say for as long as she keeps talking.

A pause is not a disaster. Look at something near you and say what you see: "That bartender has been making the same drink for ten minutes." Or ask a simple either-or question: "Are you a coffee person at midnight or are you tea?"

The point is to keep the conversation light and easy to answer. You are not trying to be funny every time. You are trying to be easy to talk to.

• Do not open with a compliment on her body. A comment on her energy, her laugh or her drink lands better.
• Do not memorize a script. A rehearsed line sounds rehearsed, and it makes nerves worse.
• Do not ask a long string of questions. Mix in a statement about yourself after every question or two so it feels like a chat, not an interview.
• Do not send a drink across the room. Walk over and say it yourself.

In a loud bar, shorten everything. One short sentence, lean in slightly, and keep your face friendly. If she cannot hear you, say it again without shouting, or point to a quieter spot and ask if she wants to step over there.

Knowing what to say is the small part. The larger part is getting used to walking up to a stranger and hearing a variety of answers. That is why we train this in person. At a Cold Approach Bootcamp, your coach is next to you in the bar, tells you what to say if you go blank, and gives feedback after every set. Training days are two four-hour blocks in the field in Miami or New York, in Group (three students per coach at most) or Private.