Start with the password reset, which emails you a link that logs you in. If you signed in with Facebook on an iPhone, that route does not work on the iOS app, so use the reset instead. If neither works, the account may be gone. OkCupid deletes an account after two years with no activity at all. And an error about a Terms of Service violation or a suspension means the account was banned and deleted.

Fix 1: reset your password

The password reset is OkCupid's main answer to login trouble, and it covers most cases. Request a reset and OkCupid emails you a link that logs you in.

Check the inbox of the email address you signed up with. That is not always the one you use every day, especially if the account is a few years old. If the email does not arrive, look in your spam and promotions folders before you request another one.

Once you are back in, make a note of which email address the account uses, so the next reset is quicker.

Fix 2: sign in without Facebook on iOS

Logging in with Facebook does not work on OkCupid's iOS app. If Facebook was how you always got in on your iPhone, that button will not get you anywhere.

Use the password reset instead. The login link goes to your email, so it does not depend on Facebook at all.

Fix 3: check whether the account still exists

OkCupid deletes an account once it has sat unused for two years straight. If you have not opened the app in a couple of years, the account you are trying to reach may not be there any more. In that case a reset has nothing to log you into.

In that case, start a new account. Treat it as a chance to do better than you did last time, with recent photos and a few lines that actually sound like you.

When the error mentions the Terms of Service

An error about a Terms of Service violation or a suspension is a different situation. It means OkCupid banned the account and deleted it.

OkCupid has an appeals form, and an appeal has to go in within six months of the ban. Send one careful appeal rather than several, because OkCupid does not consider multiple appeals. Keep it calm, short and factual.

Do not try to get around a ban by opening a fresh account. The appeal is the route OkCupid gives you, so use it and wait for the answer.

What not to do while you are locked out

A login problem makes men impatient, and impatience leads to bad decisions.

  • Do not call a phone number you found online that claims to be OkCupid support. OkCupid does not offer phone support, and it warns that fake OkCupid numbers are posted on other websites.
  • Do not give your password, your card number or any payment to anyone offering to restore your account. OkCupid support will never ask for them.
  • Do not open extra accounts to test which one works. A phone number can be verified on only one account at a time, so extra accounts create new problems instead of solving the old one.

Once you are back in

Getting past the login screen is only half of it. The days you were locked out still cost you something, so spend ten minutes putting it right.

Start with your conversations. Any woman who wrote to you while you were away has been waiting, and she has probably talked to other men since. Reply with something light that picks up where you left off. Do not open with a long apology about your account. She does not need the story, and a paragraph about technical trouble is not the most attractive thing you could send.

Then look at your page with fresh eyes. An account that was hard to get into is often one you had not looked at in a while. Swap out any photo that has stopped looking like you, and rewrite any line that sounds like every other man on the app.

Keep your best conversations off one login

The worst part of getting locked out is losing touch with the women you were talking to. They do not know you are stuck at a login screen. They just see you go quiet.

The protection is to move good conversations along. Once a woman is clearly engaged and the chat has turned flirty, suggest a drink and swap numbers. Aim to do it within a handful of messages rather than letting the chat run for weeks. Men who turn into her pen pal tend to lose her to the men who asked her out.

Do that, and a login problem becomes an annoyance rather than a disaster. The women you care about are already in your phone, and your plans for the week do not depend on a password.