Why Was My eHarmony Account Closed?

The most common reason eHarmony closes an account is a violation of its Terms & Conditions. That covers misrepresenting your name, age or identity, asking matches for money, abuse, and infringing on a match's privacy. If you believe the closure was a mistake, send a dispute through Contact Customer Care marked Closure Dispute. Once it has looked into it, eHarmony usually gives a final answer within 10 business days.

eHarmony's help pages give four examples of the kind of violation that leads to a closure. It helps to picture what each one looks like in practice.

• Misrepresenting your name, age or identity. A made-up name, a birth year that shaves a few years off, or photos of someone who is not you.
• Asking matches for money. Any request, however small, and however it is framed.
• Abuse. Insults, threats, or messages meant to wear another member down.
• Infringing on a match's privacy. Things like sharing her photos or conversations with other people, or passing on personal details she gave you.

Read that list honestly against how you used the site. Since a Terms & Conditions violation is the most common reason, the likeliest answer is somewhere on it, not in a glitch.

The one that catches ordinary men is age. Knocking two or three years off feels harmless, even sensible, because you worry that women will screen you out by age.

It is still misrepresentation, and it hurts you on the date as well. Sooner or later she finds out, and the first real fact she learns about you is that you lied to get her there. The same goes for photos that are years old or heavily flattering. She arrives, you do not look like your pictures, and she feels misled before you have said a word. Men hate it when a woman does that to them. Women feel exactly the same.

A true age and recent photos lose you a few searches. They win you dates that start with trust instead of an awkward correction.

A lot of closures start with one message sent in the wrong mood.

A sharp reply to a woman who turned you down. Pushing for something sexual after she has changed the subject. A joke about money that she has no way to know is a joke. Screenshots of her messages sent to friends, or posted somewhere, for a laugh.

A simple test covers all of it. Before you send something, picture a stranger reading it out loud. If you would be embarrassed, do not send it. When a woman is not interested, a short, friendly goodbye or no reply at all is the right answer, never an argument.

If you are sure you did nothing on that list, you can ask eHarmony to look again.

1. Go to Contact Customer Care.
2. Mark your message as a Closure Dispute.
3. Explain why you believe the closure was a mistake.

eHarmony says that once it has looked into a dispute, it usually gives a final answer within 10 business days. Be patient during that time. Sending the same complaint five times will not speed anything up.

Do not open a fresh account while you wait, or after a closure you disagree with. Starting over under a different identity would be the very thing that closes accounts in the first place: misrepresenting who you are.

Treat the dispute like a short, calm letter to someone who is trying to be fair.

Give the email address on the account and roughly when it was closed. Say plainly why you think it was a mistake: you used your real name and age, your photos are recent pictures of you, and you have never asked anyone for money. Say you are happy to answer any questions.

Leave out anger, threats and theories about which woman complained. None of that helps your case, and all of it makes you sound like the kind of member eHarmony closes accounts to protect people from.

The rules exist to keep the site full of real people, and that is a large part of what makes a paid site worth using.

Honesty also happens to be the better strategy. Everything you exaggerate on a dating site has to be explained on the date. A true, specific page draws women who like the man who actually turns up, and that is the only kind of attraction that lasts past the first drink.

If the decision stands, take what you can from it. Whatever site you use next, use your real details and recent photos, keep your messages friendly even when you are disappointed, and move good conversations toward a date. That is how a dating account is supposed to work.