Why Do You Get Banned From Dating Apps?

Because the account broke the app's community guidelines or terms of use. Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid each say so in their own help pages. The details differ by app, but the causes are close to the same everywhere: harassment, sexual content sent or posted where it does not belong, fake or duplicate accounts, and behavior that other members report. A man who reads the rules and writes to women decently rarely sees a ban.

Each app describes the same basic rule in its own words. Accounts are banned for violating the community guidelines or the terms of use. That sentence appears on the Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid pages.

Hinge adds that ban decisions come from three sources: reports from members, review by a moderation team, and automated systems. So a ban rarely comes from a single event. A report usually starts it, and a person or a system checks it.

OkCupid is blunt about content. It says it does not tolerate hateful, hurtful or harassing material, and it treats unsolicited sexual content and messages as sexual harassment.

Hinge and OkCupid both say they often do not tell a banned person the exact reason. They explain this as protecting the people who made the report.

That surprises men who feel they did nothing wrong. It also means guessing is a poor strategy. The better question is what a woman on the other end would have been likely to report, because that is the usual starting point.

Most bans are not about a rare, dramatic act. They follow a handful of ordinary habits.

Sexual messages she did not ask for. An opener or an early message that turns sexual before she has shown interest is, in OkCupid's words, treated as harassment. Let her set the pace.

Pushing after a no. A second and third message to a woman who declined, or who never replied, reads as unwanted contact however politely you phrase it.

Insults after a rejection. When a woman loses interest and a man sends a paragraph about how rude she is, that message is the one that gets screenshotted and reported.

Hateful or demeaning comments. OkCupid says it does not tolerate hateful or hurtful content, and Tinder's guidelines list harassment and hate among the things they rule out.

Some rules have nothing to do with how you talk to women. They are about what you post and who you are.

Tinder's guidelines rule out nudity and sexual content on a public page. They also rule out publicly posting your phone number or email, advertising or selling, and violent content. Fake accounts are out. So is a second account for the same person, and so is posting other people's images or private messages without consent. You also have to be 18 or older.

None of that is surprising when you read it. The trouble comes from drift: a man who posts his number in his bio for convenience, or opens a second account to test photos, has broken a rule without meaning to.

On Tinder and Hinge, a banned person cannot make a new account, and both apps offer an appeal. If you think the decision was a mistake, use the appeal route and say plainly what happened. Do not try to open another account to get around it. That breaks a separate rule and can end a case you might have won.

The rules read like a long list, but good behavior and good results turn out to be the same habits.

• Read each app's community guidelines and photo rules once, start to finish. That is the way to stay inside them.
• Make your first message about something specific she wrote or showed, and keep it light.
• Suggest a drink after a few good messages, instead of staying in chat for weeks.
• When she says no or goes quiet, send one gracious line or nothing at all.
• Share your number only after she has asked for it or agreed to move off the app.
• Use recent photos of yourself, keep a single account, and type your own messages.

A man who dates this way gets reported rarely, because women have no reason to report him. And the same habits are what get him replies.

Check your email for any message from the app, then read the appeal instructions in its help pages. State your side calmly, without arguing or insulting the moderators. After that, the useful question is what changed in how you wrote to women before the ban, and fixing it before you start again somewhere else.