Why Are Women Afraid of Being Approached?

Most women are not afraid of a friendly hello. They are wary of what a stranger might do next: refuse to take no, follow them, get angry, or collect a number and never stop texting. The wariness is earned by experience, and a man who understands it makes approaching women feel safe to them in the first few seconds.

• She has been approached many times, and many of those times were clumsy or pushy.
• The most tense moment is usually when you ask for her number.
• She may not say that she is nervous, because she does not want to hurt your feelings or look rude.
• Your tone, distance and willingness to hear no matter more than the line you use.
• You do not need to approach less. You need to approach in a way she can relax around.

When you are new to approaching, your head is full of your own fear. You are afraid of being rejected, afraid of looking stupid, afraid of being called creepy. It is easy to forget that she is having an experience too.

She may have been stopped on the street by a man asking for directions who then asked for her number. She may have said no to someone who got angry. She may have a story about a man outside a store who turned ugly when she did not answer. These things happen often enough that she walks around prepared. For her, a stranger approaching is a small decision about safety, made quickly.

Picture a good conversation of four or five minutes. You are getting along, and asking for her number seems natural to you. In her head she may be remembering every time she handed her number to someone she had just met and regretted it a day later. Some women have had to block a man, or change their number, because of it.

So she weighs it. She does not want to look foolish or naive. She does not want to be unkind. Above all, she does not want to say something that makes you angry, and for some women that is a realistic concern. Her hesitation at that moment has little to do with you. It is her habit of staying safe.

It also differs by situation. A woman who lives in the city may worry about being contacted forever. A woman who is leaving in two days may simply not see the point. The same sentence gets two different answers.

a dating coach says the approach decides whether you come across as creepy. Creepy approaches carry an agenda. The man wants something from her, and he hides it, and women can sense that quickly. His fix is to change the question you are asking. You are not trying to win her. You are finding out whether the two of you have chemistry. You are curious about her as a person, and you are happy to leave if you do not.

Put that into practice. Stand where she can step away without squeezing past you. Do not block her path. Keep your voice warm and unhurried. Be fun and easy, which a dating coach describes as cool, fun and safe, and save the risk and flirting for when she has shown she likes you. Hear a no the first time, say something friendly and go.

Read the room. A woman studying in a quiet library with other people around does not want a loud scene that makes everyone stare. a dating coach calls the big, theatrical approach flash game: it looks good on camera and does not work in real life. A calm, low-key hello in a place like that, and a brighter one at a party, is simply social intelligence.

You will notice it quickly. She turns toward you instead of away. Her answers get longer. She asks you a question back. Her shoulders drop. A woman who feels safe will give you a great deal more of herself, and the same words you used before start to land.

It is hard to read her while you are focused on your own nerves. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp in Miami and New York, your coach is in the field with you for two four-hour blocks a day. Your coach tells you what you missed, such as the step back, the glance at her friend or the smile that finally came. Group is three consecutive days with three students per coach. Private is one, two or three days, 1-on-1. No experience is required.