What Is a Woman Thinking When a Stranger Approaches Her?

In the first few seconds she is asking two plain questions: am I safe with this man, and do I have the time and the interest to talk. Attraction comes later. Most of what runs through her head at the start is practical, and a man who understands that can make his hello easy to answer instead of hard to read.

This article is for the man who has wondered what she makes of him while his heart is pounding. It also answers the question men type in different words, such as how to talk to a stranger woman without being shy, in California or anywhere else.

A stranger who steps toward a woman on a street is, for a moment, an unknown. She looks at how close you are, how fast you are moving and whether you are coming from the front or from behind. This is quick and mostly automatic.

You can make this part easy. a dating coach's advice for a stop from the front is to leave a good distance so she has time to see you coming and "it's not shocked." From behind, he taps from arm's length and then steps back a little so she is not facing you at close range when she turns. Side on to a woman who is walking is "very aggressive," he says, so match her angle and her pace instead.

None of this is about being slick. It is about not startling her, which gets you the first sentence of a real conversation.

A woman talking to a stranger is also deciding what happens if she wants to leave. If she thinks you will argue, follow or sulk, she will answer with short sentences and a closed face, however polite you are.

This is why one calm exit does more for you than any opener. One friendly hello is fine, as long as it ends the moment she shows she is not interested. Ignoring her answer, blocking her way or following her is where it goes wrong.

When she sees that you can hear a no and say "have a good day," many women relax. The man who accepts a no easily is the man it is safe to say yes to.

She also hears your voice. My rule on openers is to "use your voice and assume it's going to happen." A timid hello that sounds like an apology makes her wonder what you are apologizing for. A warm, steady one tells her you are used to talking to people.

You do not need to be loud or smooth. You need to say the first line at a normal speed, look at her and finish the sentence. Men lose far more conversations to trailing off than to a bad line.

Many "no" answers have nothing to do with you. She is late, she is meeting a friend, she has headphones in, or she is in the middle of a task. coach points out that on a busy New York street a lot of women are walking fast with earbuds in, and he calls those sets harder to get at.

A woman sitting in a park is thinking something different. My reasoning: "If someone's out in a park, they've come out to be among people." She has nowhere to be for the next ten minutes, and she may already be a little bored. That is the moment where a friendly hello is most welcome.

The fear behind that search is usually the same: you imagine she will be put out, so you stay silent. What she is thinking is rarely that dramatic. Her background, her city and her looks do not change the two questions above. Her mood, her hurry and how you come across do.

A short list that works in any city:

1. Pick a woman who is not rushing.
2. Stand a few feet back and say hello in a normal voice.
3. Give one honest reason, such as "I saw you and wanted to say hi."
4. Watch what she does. If she turns toward you, keep talking. If she looks away or steps back, thank her and go.

Being shy usually means you are picturing the worst thing she could think. Doing the approach a few dozen times with a coach beside you replaces that picture with what actually happens, which is mostly polite, short and forgotten by the next block.

If she is relaxed, give her a reason to talk. If she is hurried, let her go. If she answers briefly, end warmly. That is the whole job, and it works because it respects what she is trying to figure out about you.

Reading her takes practice, and you cannot learn it from an article. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp, you spend each training day in two four-hour blocks in the field with a coach, daygame and night game mixed to suit you, with feedback after every set. There is no skill floor, and men who lock up are the ones the program is built for. The Bootcamp runs in Miami and New York, and you leave with a written practice plan.

For how it works in the city coach calls his favorite, read Dating Bootcamp in New York City.