Why Am I Not Getting Messages on eHarmony?

Mostly because nobody has a reason to write first. On a site where every woman has filled in a long quiz and is waiting to see who makes the effort, the man who sends a good first message is the one who gets the replies. If your inbox is empty, the fix is to write first, and to make sure the women you reach can actually see you and answer.

Start with the plain mechanics. On eHarmony your matches and their conversations live in the Messages tab. A conversation begins when you Like something on a woman's page and add a short note, and it becomes a Match when she Likes something of yours back.

So an empty Messages tab usually means there are no matches yet, not that your messages are being ignored. Count the matches first. If you have a few and no replies, the problem is your opening line. If you have none, the problem is earlier, in the photos, the answers or the settings.

A free Basic member can take the quiz, browse members and send the first likes and opening messages. Messaging beyond that is limited. The paid tier removes the cap and shows every photo.

That matters for you and for her. If she is on a free account, she may hit the limit after your first exchange. If you are, you may hit it in the middle of a good chat and lose her to silence. A conversation that dies at the free limit looks, from her side, like a man who stopped writing.

a dating coach's rule is to pay only after the free version works. If chats are starting and you reach the wall, a paid term fixes the one thing in the way.

eHarmony says its members want serious relationships. A woman who answered a long quiz expects a man who has read her page, and many of them are careful about whom they answer.

That is good news, because a thoughtful first message stands out more here than on a swipe app. It also means that a bare "hi" is wasted. She has plenty of those and no reason to reply.

You can open with Icebreakers, where each of you chooses between pairs of photos, or with a Smile. Those only open the door. What happens next is down to you.

Read her answers and find one detail with a story in it. Then write one or two lines about that detail and end on something she can answer without effort. "Important question about the mountain trip you mentioned: were you leading, or asking how much further?" is easy to answer and shows you read her.

Avoid compliments on her looks, an essay about how much you have in common, and a row of questions. A string of questions reads as a form she has already filled in.

Even when you do the writing, a woman checks your page before she answers. If it is thin, she moves on.

Give each question two or three sentences. Use a clear, recent photo of your face first. Remember that a free member sees fewer of your photos, so the lead has to be strong. And answer the quiz honestly, or the site will match you with women who suit a man you are not.

One unanswered message says very little. A woman may be busy, away from the site or no longer a member.

Send to several women a week, each one different and specific. My habit on any app is to treat it as a numbers game that rewards good work: more good messages mean more replies. Be selective about whom you pick, because liking everyone makes the site treat you as less choosy.

When a reply does arrive, keep the exchange short. coach moves from first message to a phone number in about four to seven messages, and mentions meeting early as a light suggestion.

On a site where she has said she wants something serious, a clear invitation is welcome. Name a place and a day. A man who chats for weeks and never asks is the man whose matches fade.

Write down four numbers for two weeks. Count the messages you sent, the replies you got, the replies that turned into a plan and the dates you set. If you send plenty and hear back from few, change your first line. If you hear back and never meet, suggest the drink sooner.