What Are Good Conversation Topics on Dating Apps?

The best topics are small, personal and about the two of you: something specific she wrote, a short story from your week, what each of you would do on a free Saturday. The worst are facts and lists, such as your job history, the movies you like and the news. The rule is simple. Topics about a third thing, like a film or a headline, build friendship at best. Topics about her and you, with some feeling in them, build a real connection.

coach sorts every topic into one of three groups. Third-party topics are about neither of you: current events, movies, a band. Individual topics are about you or about her alone. Shared topics are about the two of you together.

On an app the third group is the one you want to get to fast. You cannot do it in the first message, but you can lean toward it. "What are you doing this weekend" is small. "What would you pick if we had a free Saturday" is the same question with the two of you in it.

A story about something you did. Not the activity but the moment. "Last month I got lost on a trail and ate a gas-station burrito at the summit parking lot, which was the best meal of my year" gives her a scene, a feeling and a hundred things to ask. "I like hiking" gives her nothing.

Her own small stories. Ask about something she wrote or showed. A dog, a trip, a food she loves. If she gets excited, stay there. coach says that when a woman gets excited about food, talk about food with her. When it reads like a list, move on.

Travel, told as stories. coach rates travel as a good topic because it raises your perceived value, but only when you tell what happened, what scared you and what you loved. A list of countries is a résumé.

Dreams and plans. What you are building toward, and what she wants more of in her life. This looks forward to a future with someone, which is why it works.

Plans for a date. The point of the chat is to meet. A casual suggestion, like a coffee near where she lives, is also a topic.

Hobbies as a list. "I like the gym, travel and movies" is a résumé, and a résumé makes friends, not dates. Pick one and tell the story.

Movies, TV and music. These are third-party topics. If you happen to share a favorite, you get a little closeness, but the feeling belongs to the director, not to you. Use them as an excuse to suggest a plan once the chat is going well, never as the main course.

Your job. coach says to say it once, in a way that shows what you care about, and move on. Nobody enjoys a technical walk through your workday. If she asks more, give a little more.

The news, politics and religion. Avoid them. They are third-party, and they create the wrong kind of tension. You want tension about whether you two like each other, not about an election.

Interview questions. "What do you do? Where are you from? Do you have siblings?" in a row is a form to fill in. She will answer it and feel nothing. Ask one question, react to the answer and say something about yourself before you ask the next.

The easiest first topic is a single concrete thing from her page. Do not say you liked her pictures. Say what you noticed and ask what is behind it. "Is that your dog? He looks like he runs the house" invites a story. "Nice smile" invites a thank-you and nothing else.

Keep it short. Two or three lines sent at a normal pace will beat a paragraph. And write the way you would speak on a date. If you would never say it out loud, it should not be in the chat.

A good conversation goes back and forth. She tells you something, you react and share something of yours, and then she answers. My point is that personal anecdotes are the best topic there is, because she is having a conversation with you that she cannot have with anyone else.

If you have asked three questions in a row, stop and tell her something. If she has told you three things, ask her about one of them. It sounds simple, and most men get it wrong by asking and never giving.

Good topics are not the goal. A date is. Once she has told you a couple of real things and you have laughed, suggest something specific. "There is a coffee place near the park I want to try on Saturday, come with me" is a plan. "We should hang out sometime" is not. If the chat is going well and she says yes, give her a time and a place. If she hesitates, keep it light and try again in a few days.