What Do You Say When Someone Asks What Brings You Here on a Dating App?

Say something true, short and slightly specific, and finish with a line that gives her something to react to. She is not auditing your motives. She is checking whether you are easy to talk to, and a clear answer delivered without a nervous explanation passes that test at once. Below are the wordings that work and the ones that quietly end the chat.

When a woman on a dating app asks what brings you here, she wants to know two things. Are you looking for the same kind of thing she is, and are you someone she can talk to without effort?

The question is also an easy one to answer badly, because it sounds like a job interview. Men reply with a speech, a joke that hides the answer, or a sentence that sounds like a form. The reply that works is the one that sounds like you would say it across a table.

Do not give the answer you think she wants. If you are looking for a relationship, you can say so without making a statement of it. If you are open to seeing what happens, say that. You get the best results from the true answer, because the conversation that follows has to be one you can sustain.

A false answer also costs you later. A man who says he wants something serious and behaves differently by the third date has told her one thing and shown her another, and she remembers it.

If you want a relationship:

"I want to meet someone I can get along with and take out to the places I already like. I got tired of waiting for it to happen at work, so I am trying this. What about you?"

If you are open to see what happens:

"Mostly curiosity. I would rather meet a few interesting people than sit and plan it. Anything good so far?"

If you have been on the apps a while:

"A friend told me I was too picky in person, so I am trying a different method. It is going better than I expected."

If you are new to it:

"I have only just started, and so far the best part is the occasional conversation like this one."

Each one is a sentence or two, mentions something real, and ends on a light turn back to her. None of them is a speech.

a dating coach's rule for conversations is that a stream of questions feels like an interview, and a man who answers with a statement and an opinion is easier to talk to. That holds here.

If you finish your answer with "what about you?" every time, you hand her the whole load. Better to add a small, specific detail she can pick up and run with. "Mostly because my friends keep telling me about their dates and I wanted a better story" gives her a joke to answer. "I am here to meet someone" gives her nothing.

• "Just looking." It sounds like you have no reason to be there and no energy for her.
• "My friend made me." It tells her you are not invested and makes you sound like someone who is waiting for permission.
• A long account of your last relationship, or why you are on the app after the breakup. Keep it for later, if it ever matters.
• Anything bitter about women or the apps. It tells her what you will say about her next week.
• A sexual answer in the first conversation. It may suit some matches, but you will not know which until you have talked, and it is a hard thing to take back.

Before you reply, decide what you are looking for and what you would be happy with. A man who has thought about it answers in two sentences. A man who has not thought about it gives a long, vague answer because he is trying to find out while he types.

Write a version you like and keep it in your head. You will use it for every match who asks.

A good answer is a way into the next topic, not the end of the topic. If she says she is looking for a relationship, ask what a good Sunday looks like for her. If she says she is open, tease her gently about what that means.

And after a few rounds of that, suggest a place and a day. The question about what brings you here is only worth answering well if the conversation leads to meeting her.