How to Find a Woman You Met at a Bar

Use only the ways that leave her free to say no. Go back to the same bar at the same time, ask a mutual friend to pass your message on, or write to her through a name or handle she already gave you. If she never gave you a way to reach her, do not search for one. One friendly try is fine. Anything past that is no longer a search, it is pressure.

Before you try anything, work out what you know. Did she tell you her name? Her job? Which friends was she with? Did you swap names or social media, even if you did not get a number?

If she gave you a name, a handle or a number and you simply did not use it, that is a green light. Message her within a day or two, short and warm: "Hey, it is Jake from the bar on Friday, the one who lost the argument about the best pizza place. I enjoyed meeting you. Want to get a drink this week?"

My texting advice applies here: make sure she knows who you are, keep it short, and get to a plan. A message that lands the day after, with a callback to something you both laughed about, has a much better chance than a long note a week later.

You are in a harder place, and it is worth being honest about why. Walking away from a night without a number often means one of two things: you ran out of time, or she chose not to give it. You cannot tell which.

Treat both possibilities with respect. Your options are narrow, and they all depend on her being able to ignore you easily.

Go back to the bar. If she mentioned that she goes there often, or you met on a regular night, return at the same time. If you see her, say hello naturally. If you do not, you have lost an evening.

Ask through friends. If someone you know was there, they may know her or her friends. Ask them to tell her you would like to see her again and let her decide whether to reach out. That gives her control. You are not handing out her details, she is choosing to answer.

Use what she gave you. If she mentioned a hobby, a class or an event she goes to, it is fair to show up at that public place and say hello. Do it once, and do not follow her.

Post nothing public. A big "looking for the girl from the bar" post puts her on display. Skip it.

Some methods cross the line, however romantic they feel.

• Asking the bartender or staff for her name, number or card details
• Searching for her workplace and turning up there
• Going through her friends' accounts to find her
• Messaging her repeatedly on different apps
• Waiting outside the bar for her to come out

Each of these makes you someone she did not agree to hear from. Even a friendly message can feel frightening when it comes from a man who tracked her down. If she wanted to be reached, she had the chance.

If you do find a way, keep it to a single message. Say who you are, where you met, and a short reason you want to see her again. Give her an easy way out.

"Hi, I am Marcus. We talked at the rooftop bar on Saturday about the terrible karaoke. I enjoyed meeting you and I would love to take you for a coffee, but no pressure at all if not."

If she replies with warmth, you are on. If she does not reply, do not send a second. Silence is an answer, and a man who takes it well is the sort of man women are glad to meet.

The better fix is a better close the first time. Do not drift out of a good conversation without a plan. coach and his coaches teach men to build a small reason before asking: a place you should both visit, a joke you owe her, a plan for Thursday. Then, before you leave, say "give me your number so I can send you the name of that place" or hand her your phone and let her put it in.

If she does not give it, accept that. A good evening and a friendly goodbye are not a failure. The man who handles a no well will do better with the next woman, and with her too, if the two of you cross paths again.

If a week has passed and nothing has worked, let it go. A night at a bar is a small thing, and the chance may simply be gone. Go back out, meet someone else, and be sure to leave with a number next time.