What to Talk About on a First Date

Start with what is around you, move to her taste and how she spends her time, and share a few short stories of your own. Keep heavier topics for later in the night, once the two of you are comfortable. The goal is easy back and forth. She should feel curious about you and relaxed with you, not interviewed and not stuck listening to a monologue.

The easiest first topic is whatever is in front of you. Comment on the place, the music, the menu or the walk over. It is low pressure and she can answer without effort.

"This place has a ridiculous menu. Are you a try-the-weird-thing person or a safe-favorite person?" gets you talking about her tastes without sounding like a survey. If either of you is nervous, the room does the heavy lifting.

After a few minutes, move to things people have opinions about: food, music, movies, trips, weekend habits. These show her personality without getting too deep.

Good questions are specific:

• "What's a movie you will defend even if everyone says it's bad?"
• "Best meal you ever had by accident?"
• "What's the one place you would go back to tomorrow?"

You get easy follow-up material from each one. If she loves spicy food, ask where she found the best place. If she hates crowds, ask what kind of weekend actually recharges her.

Work and hobbies tell you how someone lives, but they only work if you stay curious and not robotic. "What do you do, where did you go to school, what are your goals" is a job interview.

Try instead:

• "What part of your job is actually interesting, and what part is just annoying?"
• "What do you do that makes you lose track of time?"

The second question gets past the surface answer. Someone who says she likes reading may tell you she gets absorbed in old detective novels, and now you have something real to talk about.

She wants to know what you are like, and facts do not do that as well as stories. When she asks about your job, weekend or hobbies, give her three short parts: what it is, what it is like, and why you care.

"I'm a graphic designer. Most of my day is making five people who want five different things happy at once. It's chaotic, but I like making complicated stuff look simple."

That is brief, honest and gives her something to ask about. A small story works even better: a trip that went wrong, a time you tried something and were bad at it. One interesting detail and one honest reaction is enough. Do not list achievements.

A simple habit keeps any topic from going flat:

1. Ask about something specific.
2. Listen for the interesting part of her answer.
3. Follow up with one more question, or share something small about yourself.

If she says her job is fine except for meetings, you can say, "Meetings are where good ideas go to die. What part do you actually like?" You responded to her, added a little humor, and moved things forward. Then let her ask you something back.

Some subjects usually drag a first date down:

• Long complaints about work or your week
• Exes and old dating drama
• Politics as a debate to win
• Heavy personal stories you would not tell a coworker on day one
• Your whole life story in one go

A little venting is human. Ten minutes of it makes you sound like background noise. One sentence about an ex is enough if it is relevant.

Deeper topics, like values, family and what each of you wants, can work once there is warmth. Late in a good date is the right time. The first eight minutes is not. Bring them up when she is already laughing and relaxed.

If the conversation stalls, any of these will restart it:

• "What was the best part of your week?"
• "What's something you've been meaning to try?"
• "What's your go-to order at a place like this?"
• "What did you want to be when you were ten?"
• "What's a small thing that always makes your day better?"

Use one, listen to her answer, and follow it where it goes. You do not need to prepare more than that.

The best first date conversations happen when you are curious about her, honest about yourself, and relaxed enough to enjoy the evening, rather than when you have found the perfect topic.