Is Speed Dating for Men Over 40 in NYC Worth It?

Speed dating is more worth it for a man over 40 in NYC than for a younger man. After 40 you are rarely in rooms full of single women anymore, and an age-banded event puts you in one for an evening. It is still a short, scripted format. Use it as a way back into talking to women, not as the whole plan. The men over 40 who do best in New York add events to a habit of meeting women in person wherever they already go.

a dating coach names the biggest change in dating as a man gets older, and it has nothing to do with looks: "you're not naturally around attractive eligible women nearly as often as you probably were when you were younger." In your twenties, single women were at work, at parties and at your friends' birthdays. By your forties, most of your friends are married, you go out less, and your week is office, gym and home.

A speed dating night for people over 40 fixes that for three hours. Every woman there is single, roughly your age, and came on purpose to meet a man. Nobody wonders why you said hello, and the age question that can hang over a conversation with a younger woman never comes up.

That makes the format a gentle way back in for a man who is newly divorced, or who has not dated in years and has lost the habit of talking to women he does not know.

Wikipedia describes speed dating as a formal matchmaking process for meeting many potential partners in a short time. Interested pairs keep meeting afterward. In New York, the age-banded versions are listed on Eventbrite and Meetup under labels like "40s," "over 40" or "50 plus." Many run in Manhattan lounges and restaurants, with others in Brooklyn and Queens.

The crowd tends to be professional and direct. Many people at these nights have been married before and know what they want, which makes the rounds less awkward than a younger event full of people who came for a laugh. An over-50 night is usually smaller and calmer again.

The age band helps, but it does not change the format.

• The rounds are short. A few minutes favors a man who is warm from his first sentence. If you take a while to settle, you will feel rushed.
• The ratio can tilt. Some nights draw more men than women. Read the listing.
• The band may not match you. An event for people from 40 to 55 may hold women older or younger than the ones you are drawn to.
• A mutual yes is soft. It means she would not mind hearing from you. You still have to turn it into a drink.

Dress like the best version of your age. My advice is to "dress in a way that is elegant stylish and appropriate to a successful sophisticated slightly older man." That means clothes that fit, nothing ten years out of date, and nothing borrowed from your nephew's wardrobe.

Do not lead with your age or your divorce. Let her get to know you first. Bring a few short stories from your life, since a man over 40 has more of them than a man of 25, and they beat another round of "So what do you do?"

Choose an event close to where you live, so a match can become a drink near home. Then write to anyone you matched with the next day, with a place and a time.

The bigger fix for the problem coach describes is to put yourself around eligible women more often in ordinary life. He calls this plausible proximity: being in places where your presence is natural. Work from a coffee shop a few mornings a week. Go to gallery openings, cooking classes or business events in your field, where your experience earns respect. Walk through Central Park or Madison Square Park on a Sunday instead of watching the game at home.

Then say hello. A man over 40 who can start an easy conversation with a woman in a bookstore has an advantage over younger men who only know how to send a message. My own experience is encouraging: "as I've personally gotten older every single year dating has gotten easier."

The skill that makes both speed dating and everyday life work is the same: walking over and making the first minute enjoyable. Cold Approach trains it in the field with its Bootcamp in New York and Miami. Each training day is two four-hour blocks with a coach, with daygame and night game mixed to suit you, live coaching on every approach and feedback after each one.

Group is three consecutive days with no more than three students per coach. Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days, which suits a man who would rather train alone with his coach. There is no skill floor, and approach anxiety is a specialty. You leave with a written practice plan for the places you already spend your week.