Is Banter Flirting?

Not by itself. Banter is playful back and forth, the kind of teasing you could have with a friend or a teammate. It becomes flirting when you add a romantic or sexual edge, a sense that this is happening between a man and a woman who find each other interesting. Bantering with a girl is a good start, and a few small changes turn it into flirting.

Banter is light, quick and a little competitive. Two people trade jokes, exaggerate, and give each other a hard time without meaning any harm.

Men banter with each other constantly. Guys on a sports team or at a barbecue tease each other all day, and no one thinks it is romantic. That is the point. Banter by itself does not say anything about attraction.

With a woman, plain banter can still be fun. It shows you are relaxed, quick and not afraid to play. But if that is all you do, she may decide you are a funny guy and put you in the friend box.

My definition is useful here. He says a tease is playfully giving someone a hard time, and a "premise" is anything you would say to a woman that you would never say to a man. Put the two together, and you have a flirt.

The premise is the part that changes the conversation. It reminds her that you see her as a woman, and that you are enjoying her company in that way. A few examples of how it sounds:

• Banter: "You are always late. Your calendar must be a work of fiction."
• Flirt: "You are always late, and somehow I still showed up. That tells you something about me, or about you."
• Banter: "That is a terrible choice of movie."
• Flirt: "That is a terrible choice of movie. Good thing you are fun enough to make up for it."

The second line in each pair keeps the play and adds a note of personal interest. It is a small step. It does not need to be heavy.

You have a handful of simple tools:

A light compliment followed by a tease. "You look great tonight. Almost makes up for your terrible taste in music."

Pretend assumptions about the two of you. "You and I would be the couple that gets thrown out of the board game cafe for arguing."

Eye contact and a slower pace. Say something playful, hold her gaze for a beat, and smile. The words can stay the same while the tone does the work.

Using her name or a small nickname. A teasing nickname for something she said can carry warmth, as long as she laughs.

Do not stack all four. One or two in a conversation is plenty.

Banter and flirting both fall flat when they feel forced. A few common ways that happens:

• You prepare a line and wait for an opening, so the moment feels staged.
• Your tease is mean. If you target her weight, age, family or anything she is sensitive about, it stops being play.
• You keep going after she has stopped laughing.
• Every line is a joke, so she never feels you are interested in her as a person.
• You stay in banter forever and never add the personal edge.

coach points out that when guys flirt with girls, they often feel pressure to land a perfect tease. With friends you are relaxed and funny without effort. The aim is to bring that same ease to a conversation with a woman.

Look at what she does, not just what she says. When she gives you a hard time in return, finds a way to touch your arm, leans in, laughs, and brings up something personal, she is playing along. When she answers with a short "ha, ok" and looks away, she is only being polite.

A good sign is that she escalates a little herself. She might tease you in a way that includes the two of you, or ask whether you are always like this. That tells you she is enjoying it.

Banter with a coworker or a friend is harder to read, and the stakes are higher. If you tease someone you see every day, make sure the play stays kind and that she is comfortable. Add a flirty edge only when she has shown interest, and drop it right away if she goes quiet.

For a friend, the shift from banter to flirting is a bigger change. Try a small version first and see whether she meets it. If she laughs and leans in, you have an opening. If she steers back to ordinary banter, respect that and enjoy the friendship.