How to Flirt With a Woman: Teasing, Body Language and Asking Her Out

To flirt with a girl, give her a playful, good-natured hard time while making it clear you see her as a woman and not as a buddy. Say something light about her, then something light about the two of you, and watch how she answers each one before you go further. Keep your tone warm, hold her eye, and once the spark is obvious, ask her out.

Most men were never told what flirting is, so they guess. Some guess it means compliments. Some guess it means saying something bold and sexual. Neither one is flirting, and both keep conversations stuck in the friendly zone.

Here is a definition simple enough to use today: flirting is basically giving a girl a hard time in a good-natured way. A tease is when you are playfully giving someone a hard time. Friends and teammates give each other a hard time like this all the time. Flirting is that same playful hard time, plus the fact that the two of you are a man and a woman and both of you know it.

The easiest way to see the difference is to look at who your sentence is aimed at.

If the statement is aimed generally out at nobody, it's just a statement. If the statement is aimed at a particular person, it's potentially a tease. If a statement is aimed at like the relationship between two people, it's potentially a flirt.

Take any ordinary observation and walk it up that ladder:

The first line is safe and gets you nowhere. The second is a little more personal. The third puts the two of you in the same sentence, and that's where the spark comes from. You can climb the ladder after the fact, too. If you said the first line and she smiled, add the next piece a few seconds later.

Playful is the requirement. "That's a ridiculous thing you did," said with a flat face, is just a statement. "Wow, you're a ridiculous person for doing that," said with a grin, is a tease. Add "I don't know if we're gonna get along," and you've flirted with her.

Before any technique, there's a decision. It's the part most guides skip, and it's the part that decides whether the techniques will ever leave your mouth.

The most fundamental thing about flirting is an attitude. It's a decision that you are going to have a fun conversation. It's a decision that you're going to keep things light. It's a decision that you're going to let the girl know that it's man to woman.

Watch kids on a playground. Nobody taught them a technique. They give each other a hard time and make up nicknames because they feel like playing. A grown man who has decided to be playful will find that a surprising amount of this comes back on its own.

The decision has a cost. You have to get to the point where you would much rather get rejected or offend someone than hear "nice to meet you" after another boring, logical conversation yet again. A man afraid of every bad reaction ends up with one kind of conversation, and it goes nowhere.

Now look at what men do when they haven't decided. There are three common substitutes, and none of them works.

• The resume. He lists his job, his trips, his gym schedule and his achievements, hoping the facts will convince her. It isn't light, it isn't fun, and it comes across as trying to impress, which is the opposite of giving a girl a hard time.
• The compliment shower. The theory is that if he makes her feel good, she'll like being around him. What it actually does is put her on a pedestal and make her think she's better than him. Worse, if everything she does gets a compliment, the compliments are worth precisely zero.
• The big physical or sexual move. If you try that with a girl who's not ready for it, she's going to be very put off and she may actually feel very uncomfortable or even threatened by that.

Compliments aren't banned. A compliment is a quick way to make a conversation man to woman, and one thrown in now and then is good. The rule is balance: as long as you balance your conversation so it's not compliments all the time, you can definitely add in some compliments.

The line between a tease and an insult is the line you most need to feel. There's a simple test you can run on any sentence before you say it:

If a girl were to say that's insulting, you should be able to explain why it's not insulting.

A tease points at something small and harmless, like her taste, her habits or a quirk you've just noticed, and it's obvious you're enjoying it. An insult points at something she's sensitive about, like her looks, her job or her family, and it lands as a judgment. If you're unsure which one a line is, don't say it.

Push and pull

The most useful tease format is the push-pull. You give her something positive and follow it with something negative, or the reverse. She gets a small emotional ride instead of a flat conversation, and you can pay her a compliment without handing your value away, because the second half balances the first.

Two lines you can use as they are:

You're cute and adorable, I'm just not so sure about you.

Oh my god, I hate you. Please stop being so cute. It's really annoying.

Neither one is mean. The negative half is silly and the positive half is real. You can also spread a push-pull out over a couple of minutes, though it hits harder when the two halves sit side by side.

Bring her back

Men often find a tease that gets a reaction and then repeat it. They say "we'd never get along" four times, and the girl starts to feel like she's being graded. Pushing her away works, but when you push them away you have to bring them back, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

A good sequence: you tease her about something small, she teases back, and you say something genuinely warm about her laugh or the way she told that story. Then you tease again. The warm moments get more frequent until the balance has tipped toward connection. If she starts asking you questions about yourself, that's your signal. Once they start asking you questions, then that means they're hooked enough to care about connection, so then you can start connecting. You still tease a little. You just tease less and share more.

Disagree, playfully

There is an even simpler method for a man who thinks he has no lines. For the first few minutes of a conversation, disagree with her about small things. After that, let her win you over, a little at a time. The whole rule fits in one sentence:

All you're going to do is disagree with the girl for the first 5 minutes, and then after that you can start to gradually agree with her more often.

It works because it shows you're not trying to butter her up. If you've shown you're willing to disagree, the compliment you give later means something.

The tone matters more than the content. If she says her favorite season is summer, don't say "summer is stupid." Say "Summer. Sweat, sunburn and sand in your car. I had you down as a fall person, and I'm a little disappointed." If you're smiling or smirking, you're probably on the right track.

You don't need to invent a joke on the spot. Most good flirts come from a handful of formats, and you can practice them until they feel like your own.

Notice something unusual and give it a reason. Something is always a little unusual about the person in front of you. She's unusually cheerful, or she ordered something strange. Say what you notice and make up a silly reason for it: "Wow, you are like so happy today. Just get a new puppy?" That's a flirt, and it took no talent at all. For an upgrade, ask what else would be true if your silly reason were real.

Exaggeration. Say something ridiculous that can't be taken seriously, which lets you slide in a man-to-woman idea in a way that feels safe. Here's one line in full:

Wow, so we're both attractive people. What do we do now? Is this the part where we get married and have 2.2 kids, or should we start with a drink first?

Nobody believes you plan to marry her. But the idea of the two of you as a couple, and of a drink together, is now on the table, and she can laugh it off or play along. One warning about exaggerations: they should be exaggerated enough the girl knows you're kidding. "Maybe we'll go see a movie sometime" isn't an exaggeration. It's a real invitation in disguise, and it will land as one.

The mini cold read. You spot something about her and give it a playful interpretation. Two friends laugh at exactly the same moment, and you say, "Oh, you guys are in such cute sync. You guys should start like a girl band together." Or you simply tell her you have a view of her without saying what it is. You just say, "Hm, I have an interesting opinion about you." And it makes her wonder. The vagueness does the work. You can also try "You seem like a very elegant and wonderful stranger," and then give her a minute to think about whether you mean it.

Callbacks and nicknames. A callback is when there's a joke that you use before and then you bring it back up. Say she told a story about getting lost on a road trip. Twenty minutes later you say, "Sure, order for the table. You'll find the restaurant eventually." That tells her you were listening, and it's funnier than a fresh joke. Playful nicknames work the same way. "Captain Navigator" is a nickname she'll pretend to hate.

Not all flirting is words. A lot of flirtation can be done non-verbally. And just holding eye contact, smirking, slowing down, all that kind of stuff can be very, very powerful, especially when it's close to time to kiss the girl.

Here is how that looks in practice:

1. Hold her eye a beat longer than usual. After you finish a tease, don't look away at once. Let the look sit for a second, with a small smile, and then look away on your own terms.
2. Slow down. Nervous men talk fast. When you pause before the punch line and leave a gap after you tease, you look like a man who's comfortable, and she gets a moment to react.
3. Use a smirk instead of a laugh. If you laugh at your own tease, you're begging for approval. A small smirk says you already know it was funny.
4. Let the voice do the teasing. A playful, slightly mocking tone makes a plain sentence flirtatious, and nobody can point at a tone and say you insulted them.
5. Touch only if she invites it. A light touch on the forearm in the middle of a laugh is fine once she has been leaning in or touching you first. If she steps back, stop.

If you're nervous, this section is for you. A lot of men fear flirting because they imagine a big declaration or a harsh tease that could go badly wrong. That's not where you start. You start with something so small that almost nothing is at stake.

If you could look at flirting as like levels from like zero to 100, instead of starting at like level 30, start at level 10. If that goes well, do level 20. If that goes well, do level 30.

You still get there within a few flirty moves, and you make it easier for her to say yes, because it's much easier for her to go along with a level 10 flirt than a level 30 flirt. When she responds well to one statement, that gives you permission to make the bigger one with very little risk. It's the ladder from the table at the top, one rung per reaction.

The same idea applies to the size of each move. You don't want to have one big flirt that's just very upfront, over the top, in your face. You'd rather have little flirts that are teased, exaggerated, subtle, and they kind of add up over time. Think of chipping away with a tiny little chisel, not hitting it with a sledgehammer.

That takes the pressure off any single line. When you know that you can find a flirt wherever and whenever, it's okay if you flirt and she misses it. It's okay if you tell a joke and she doesn't get it and you just move on. You'll have another chance in thirty seconds.

Everything above works in a message, with one big change: she can't hear your voice. In person, a smirk or a slow delivery tells her you're joking. On a screen, a tease can look like an insult, and a flirt can look like a come-on.

So write your teases so they cannot be mistaken for serious. Exaggerate more than you would out loud, and use a joke that's too silly to believe.

A few rules that carry over from person to screen:

• One tease, one question. Don't send three paragraphs. A short tease followed by a real question gives her something easy to answer, and it keeps the energy up.
• Don't stack compliments. The same rule applies here: if every message is a compliment, none of them counts.
• Tease what she gave you. On a dating app, she has handed you material in her photos and her words. If she lists a summit photo, write "Either you hike a lot or you know a very good photographer. I need to know which." That's a real tease about something real, and it's much better than "hey" or "you're beautiful."
• Use callbacks. If she mentioned a bad coffee order on Tuesday, bring it back on Thursday.
• Start at level 10. The same ladder applies. A light tease first, a bigger one after she plays along.

Treat the messages as the warm-up, not the relationship. Texting back and forth for weeks feels safe, but it often ends with a girl who likes your messages and forgets about you. Once you've had a few good exchanges, move to a time and a place, using the steps in the last section.

Most men who say they aren't funny are really saying they can't make up jokes on the spot. You don't need that skill to start.

The first fix is to borrow. The easiest way to learn how to do teasing and flirting lines is to actually steal somebody else's lines at first. That way, you only have to think about saying the line, not coming up with it. Write down a few you like from this guide and from friends. Practice them out loud in the car, so that when a moment comes, all you have to do is decide when to use them.

The condition is that you use them at the right time. The best way to use canned lines is to have an arsenal of lines you know are good, but don't just throw them in randomly. Throw them in when they're appropriate. A line like "you're dangerous" makes perfect sense when she's showing you her little claws after a manicure. It makes no sense when she's talking about her job.

The second fix is delivery. Your attitude matters more than the lines. If you deliver a line in a way that's not playful, not only will it not work, it may actually be very weird and creepy. The same line said with a smile reads as flirting. Said stiffly because you memorized it and you're afraid, it reads as a man reading out a card. If you can't say it playfully, change the line until you can.

The third fix is the disagreement method from earlier, which needs no jokes at all. And if you only have energy for one thing, make it warm curiosity: ask a real question, listen, and tease one small detail of the answer. That's already flirting.

Watch her, not your script. These are good signs:

• She teases you back.
• She giggles, gets flustered, or gives you a playful push.
• She asks you questions about yourself.
• She leans toward you, or stays close when the conversation ends.
• She holds your look and smiles.

When you see those, keep going and warm up.

Here is what back-off looks like:

• Her answers get shorter.
• She turns her body or feet away from you.
• She looks around the room or at her phone.
• She doesn't react to your tease, or reacts with a clear "stop."

If you see these, stop teasing, say something warm and normal, and let the conversation either recover or end. If she says she isn't interested, say "fair enough, nice to meet you" and mean it. A flat answer is a no.

Being willing to hear that no also makes your flirting better. In any negotiation, as soon as one side can't walk away, the other side has all the power. A man who must have this conversation to succeed flirts like a man who is asking for something. A man who is fine either way flirts like a man she'd want to get to know.

Two more checks. First, watch how much you do. There is such a thing as too much flirting and teasing, and most men are far from it. The aim is to have a good conversation and let these teases and flirts be the spice. If you put a tease into every sentence, you've become a clown. Second, watch the tone of the exchange. Ask yourself one question: is the banter a fun light-hearted thing you guys are doing together or is it becoming a combative thing you guys are doing in opposition? If you're trading jabs, trying to outdo her, stop and pivot to something cooperative: a question about her day, an idea for what to do next, an honest smile.

Flirting that never leads anywhere is just a pleasant conversation. The point is to see her again, so you need to move the flirt toward a plan while she's still warm.

Keep the invitation plain and specific. Say what, and say when: "Let's get a drink this week. Thursday or Saturday?" Or keep the tease going inside the ask: "How do I get in touch with you sometime when you're not busy and perhaps we'll grab a drink?" Either way, she knows exactly what you mean and has an easy answer.

If you're already together and the night is going well, you can treat the next step as already agreed on. Let it feel like this: it's not me trying to persuade her or even suggest the idea. It's that we've already agreed we're going to hang out and we're just kind of casually deciding what do you want to do right now. "We're getting another drink somewhere. Do you want a quiet place or a loud one?" is a casual question with an assumption built in.

The same step works in person and online. At a bar or a bookstore, ask for her number and suggest a day. On a dating app, propose a time once you've had a few good exchanges. In both cases, the tease that got you here goes along for the date.

How do you flirt with a girl over text?

Treat it as a tease with no voice. Pick something she said, exaggerate it so it can't be mistaken for serious, and follow it with a question she can answer in a few words. Callbacks to earlier messages work especially well. Keep each message short, don't stack compliments, and start at level 10. After a few good exchanges, switch from messages to a plan.

How do you flirt with a girl online?

Read what she's put in front of you and tease one real detail from it, instead of opening with "hey" or a compliment about her looks. Keep the first message to a sentence or two. Mix a small positive with a small negative, and don't let the conversation stay on the screen for weeks. It's the same ladder as in person, only slower, so make the move to meet sooner rather than later.

How do you flirt with a girl without being creepy?

Be playful, not heavy. Aim your tease at something harmless, never at her body or something she's sensitive about. Stay at a low level until she clearly plays along, keep your hands to yourself unless she touches you first, and stop at once if she gets quiet or turns away. A creepy flirt ignores her reaction. A safe one watches it.

How do you flirt with a girl you like?

Do what you'd do with any girl, but expect to feel more nervous, which makes men either go silent or turn into a compliment machine. Slow down, tease her about something small, and give one or two honest compliments rather than a pile. Liking her a lot is a good reason to ask her out quickly, not a reason to wait.

How do you flirt with a girl in person?

Start with what's in front of you. Notice something unusual about her or the moment, give it a silly reason, and see how she responds. Hold eye contact a beat longer than normal, slow your voice, and smirk instead of laughing at your own tease. If she plays along, step up a level; if she doesn't, step back down. When the moment feels warm, ask for her number and suggest a specific day.

How do you flirt with a girl without being obvious?

Keep the flirts small and spread out. Use a mini cold read, a light tease about her habits, or a callback, and skip the big declarations. Add warmth through eye contact and tone of voice instead of words. Little flirts add up over time, so there's no need for one big move. When you do ask her out, be plain about it. Subtle flirting should lead to a clear invitation, and a clear invitation is never wasted.