How Do You Text a Woman on a Dating App?

Keep each text short, make it about her, and aim every message at a plan. The job of the chat is to get her off the app and onto a date, and four to seven messages is usually enough. After your opener, reply to what she said, add one small detail about yourself, and mention meeting early so the invitation does not arrive out of nowhere.

My method starts at the end. Before he sends a first message, he already knows how the chat should finish: she has agreed to a plan, and his last text is something like "sounds good, here is my number, what is yours?"

That ending only makes sense if the earlier messages did their job. So you work backward. Every text either builds toward that moment or wastes a turn.

His reason for not taking longer is practical. The woman is on a dating app because she wants dates, and she is writing to other men while she talks to you. Whoever gets her out on a good date first usually wins, and a good date beats even a brilliant chat.

coach names three things she has to feel before she will meet you: attraction, comfort and commitment.

Attraction means you are fun, direct and clearly a man with a life, not a man trying hard to win her approval. Comfort means she knows you are a real person with some detail behind the jokes, so she is not worried about who turns up. Commitment means plans have already been mentioned, so the invitation is a next step and not a surprise.

Close too early and you get resistance or silence. Close too late and the chat gets dull while another man books the date. Fill the three, then ask.

Most men stall at the second message. A simple routine fixes it.

First, react to what she actually said. Second, add one real detail about you, so she has something to hold. Third, nudge toward something you could do together.

For example, she says she just got back from a long hike:

Long hikes are my weakness too. I'm the guy who packs far too much food. Where was the best view?

That answers her, gives her a small piece of you, and asks one easy question. Nothing in it is clever for its own sake.

coach likes two-part texts. In the first part, you deal with what she just said. In the second, you hand her something fresh to respond to.

It matters when she says something odd or a little sharp. Do not argue and do not apologize at length. Acknowledge it lightly, laugh, and move to a new topic that is positive and about her. Then she is answering a new question instead of defending the old one.

Fair, I walked into that one. Anyway, you strike me as someone with strong opinions about brunch. Am I wrong?

When a woman gives one-word answers, men react by firing more questions. It feels like lifting boulders because it is.

Swap some questions for statements and light teasing. A statement gives her something to agree with or push against, and that is easier than answering a form. My point is that you should not carry the whole chat on your own back. If she gives nothing for a few turns, a short line and a plan will tell you more than ten more questions.

The invitation should never be the first time plans come up. Drop in something casual early, such as "we should test that taco place you mentioned," and let it sit. A couple of messages later, make it specific.

There's a place near the river with a good patio. Thursday evening or Saturday afternoon?

She has heard the idea twice by now, so the question is easy to answer. coach warns that men who ask for a date after a stretch of random chat usually hit a wall: the request feels like too much, too fast.

A chat that runs for days feels pleasant and goes nowhere. My description of that fate is a woman whose account goes inactive, or who says you feel more like a friend now. Keep the chat short enough that the meeting is still the interesting part.

When you do have her number, coach keeps texting light, every couple of days or daily at most, and leaves a little of the plan open so there is a reason to text. If you pin down every detail early, you leave yourself nothing to say and the plan can fade.

• A bare "hey" or "how was your day," which she has read all week.
• A long paragraph about yourself.
• Strings of compliments.
• A request for her number before any plan exists.
• Asking her to do the work of making the chat interesting.

If you remember one thing, make it this: every text should move the chat one step closer to a coffee, a drink or a walk, and none should only fill space.