How Do You Have a Tinder Conversation?

Keep every message short, give each one a job, and aim the whole exchange at meeting her. A good Tinder conversation is not a long getting-to-know-you interview. It is four to seven messages that are fun enough, and clear enough, that asking for her number feels like the natural next line.

a dating coach's point about apps is that the purpose of messaging online is to get her offline. A woman on Tinder has already decided she wants to go on dates. If you take weeks to get there, another man will message her faster and get her out first, and one good date will beat anything you wrote.

His own exchanges run four to seven texts from first line to her number, and he says every one has a purpose. He also starts with the last line in mind: "sounds good, my number is this, what is yours?" Everything before it exists to make that line make sense.

That is a comforting way to think about it. You are not trying to be endlessly interesting. You are trying to be easy, warm and a little playful until a plan fits.

Pick one specific thing on her page and react to it in a sentence. Something odd works best, because you can tease it.

If she lists a hobby, guess how badly she is at it. If a photo shows her at a market, ask which stall was worth the trip. If there is nothing at all, comment on the setting of one photo and ask a question with an easy answer.

A short, specific first line gives her one clear thing to answer. "Hey" and "how's your day?" leave all of the work to her, which is why they get ignored.

The most common way a chat dies is that the man only asks questions. She answers, he asks another, she answers again, and it starts to feel like an application form.

My rule for dates applies to messages too: stay out of interview mode. Never stack three plain factual questions in a row. Instead, respond to what she said, add one small thing about yourself, and then tease or ask.

An example. She says she is bad at cooking but loves trying. You reply: "I respect the bravery. I once set off a smoke alarm making toast, so I will not judge. What is the worst thing you have ever served another person?"

That reply reacts to her, gives her a small story about you, and ends with a question she can enjoy answering. It is also short.

When a woman opens her phone and sees a wall of text from you, it looks needy. My rule is one or two ideas per exchange, and he advises against anything long.

Short messages are also easier to match. If you send three paragraphs, she feels she has to send three back, and most women will not.

A little teasing helps. Pick something she chose, like her taste in food or her opinion on a movie, and take a playful side. Do not tease her looks or anything she cannot change.

If a chat goes flat, do not try to fix it by escalating. My advice is to get things going well again before you move forward, not to push ahead from a negative.

Some women reply with a word and nothing else. You can try once more with something that is easier to answer, such as a choice between two things. If it still goes nowhere, let it go.

A match who gives you nothing is not a conversation you are failing to have. Spend your attention on the women who send real sentences and questions back, because that is what interest looks like.

Also resist the urge to send a second message when she has not replied to the first. One is enough. Three in a row makes you look anxious.

Do not wait for a feeling that you know her well. After a couple of good exchanges, drop in a light mention of meeting, such as "you know all the best taco places, I would want to test that in person." It is a joke with a plan inside it.

Once she is engaged, with longer replies and questions of her own, make the plan concrete: a place, a day and a short time. "There is a good bar near me with comfortable couches. Thursday around seven?"

Then ask for her number in the same breath so the details are easy to settle. Once the plan is in two phones, it no longer depends on who opens the app that day.

They are short, specific and slightly playful, and they move. She learns three or four things about you without being told them, and you learn two or three about her. Nobody feels interviewed.

If your Tinder chats keep dying before a plan, the problem is almost always in the first two messages or in the pace. Read your last five conversations out loud. The point where she stopped answering is the line to fix.