How to Approach a Woman at a Party

Show up with relaxed energy, wait for a natural moment, walk over, say hello and ask a simple question about the party. Then listen and build on what she says. That works at a house party, a college party, a frat party or a friend's birthday. A party already gives you a reason to talk to strangers, so you do not need a clever line. You need to be pleasant to be around.

Energy is contagious and so is boredom. If you arrive tired, half focused and scanning for the exit, people feel it. If you come in upright, relaxed and glad to be there, the room's temperature changes.

Put your phone away. Make eye contact and greet people as if you mean it. A real "Good to see you" does more than ten minutes of trying to be clever. Before you approach anyone, you should already be having a decent time.

Parties have rhythms. People drift to the kitchen for drinks, step outside for air, wait in line for the bathroom, or stand at the edge of a conversation. Those are your openings.

Avoid interrupting a serious talk, a laugh at its peak, or a woman who is clearly looking for someone. Look for a woman who is looking around the room, smiling at people near her or standing alone for a moment. If she is with friends, say hello to the group and let the talk open up.

A party gives you easy material:

• "How do you know the host?"
• "Do you know where they keep the good snacks?"
• "I just got here and know almost nobody. Who should I talk to?"
• "Hi, I'm Sam. What did I miss?"

Give your name, ask her name, and stop talking for a beat. The first answer tells you whether she wants to continue.

This works the same at a college or frat party. The room is louder and more crowded, so keep your line short, lean in a little and say it once more if she cannot hear.

A lot of men try too hard to be fun. They fire jokes, dominate the talk, or tell long stories. That reads as pressure.

A better move is to be curious. Ask a simple question, listen, and build on the answer. If she says she just got back from a trip, ask what the best part was.

Advice from men who do this well comes up again and again:

• Do not fire questions one after another.
• Tell short stories and hit the interesting part quickly.
• Do not just repeat her question back to her.
• Hand the talk back to her with something easy to answer.

After a question or two, offer a sentence about yourself, then ask another question. "I'm a nurse, so a party with a couch feels like a luxury. What do you do?" A short story with a hook, then back to her, keeps it even.

If it is going well, change the situation. "Want to grab a drink with me?" or "Let's go see what is happening outside" gives the conversation a new place and tells you quickly whether she is into it. If she says yes, walk together and keep talking. If she says she will catch you later, thank her and let her go.

Signs she is enjoying it: she turns toward you, asks questions back, stays close and laughs. Signs she is not: one word answers, looking past you, turning back to friends. If you see the second set, say "Nice meeting you" and move on. A clean exit leaves a good impression for the rest of the night.

If the talk has been easy for several minutes, say you enjoyed it and ask for her number or Instagram. If she says yes, great. If she says no, say "No problem, have a great night" and return to the party. Do not follow or hover.

Alcohol makes men louder and sloppier. One or two drinks can loosen you up. More than that makes you worse at listening, and listening is the skill that works.

Parties are fast and noisy, which makes them tough places to learn. A Cold Approach Bootcamp trains approaching in person, in the field, with a coach beside you, live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set. It runs in Miami and New York. Group is three consecutive days at three students per coach, and Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. A total beginner is welcome, and approach anxiety is the specialty.