How Do You Respond to a First Message on a Dating App?

Answer in her tone, in two or three short lines, at an ordinary pace. React to what she said, add one detail about yourself, and finish with a question she can answer in a sentence. A first message from a match is a small test of whether talking to you is easy, and the reply is where most men fail it by being slow, long or vague.

On the apps where women have to write first, most matches never write at all. a dating coach's rough estimate is that a typical man gets one message for every five to ten matches. So a woman who wrote to you has already done something most of your matches did not.

That should settle your nerves. She is warm. You do not have to impress her in the second message. You have to be pleasant, specific, and quick to a plan.

Reply while she still remembers you, and do not make a performance of either speed.

a dating coach's texting rule is that you should not answer instantly every time, because it looks like you have nothing else on. He also says that a quick back and forth is fine when it is already happening. If she writes and you are free, answering soon is not needy. What looks needy is a habit of replying inside a minute to everything, so match her pace and let a normal gap happen.

Match her length as well. If she wrote one line, write one or two. If she wrote a paragraph, you can write a little more, but not double.

a dating coach wants one or two ideas at most in any text burst. A long reply to a short message puts the weight on your side and makes it hard for her to answer in kind. Over a few messages you want the lines to look even.

When you reply, pull a word or two from her page or her message and use them. a dating coach prefers commenting on a prompt over a photo, since it seems more genuine and less superficial. The same holds for a reply.

Use her name. Mention the thing she wrote about, not her looks. A line like "Okay, a woman who plans her weekends around a farmer's market is dangerous. What is the one stall you would defend?" shows you listened and hands her an easy next line.

On some apps a woman can like one photo or one answer and write nothing. Then you have to generate the first message yourself.

a dating coach's habit is to thank her for the like, because it puts the contact in the frame that she chose you. Then he writes something light and a little cheeky that she can easily answer. He says about half his matches come from this kind of inbound like. A short thanks plus a playful question beats a long paragraph or a bare hello.

Because a few of your own answers tend to attract the same likes, keep a reply ready for each. When one has worked a couple of times, reuse it.

Sometimes a woman writes something odd, or sharp, or hard to interpret. a dating coach's rule is to make the most sense of it you can, write back something positive that moves the chat forward, and do not take risks. You are not obliged to engage with every strange line.

If she gets prickly, laugh and move on. Handle the thing she said in one sentence, then hand her something new and about her. That keeps you from arguing over the old topic.

She: Okay I need to know what the story is with the third photo. You: Ha, the short version is I lost a bet to my brother. The long version is better in person. What is the best bet you have lost?

It answers her, adds a hook, mentions meeting without making a big deal of it, and ends on a small question. It is three lines.

Once she is answering, the chat has a job: to get you both to a date. Mention meeting early and casually, and offer a specific place and time a few messages later. a dating coach finds that four to seven messages is often enough. Do not let a friendly chat run for weeks, because by then she has other conversations going.

The best reply is not the cleverest one. It is the one that makes it obvious what to type next.