Can You Still Send Smiles and Icebreakers on eHarmony?

Yes. Smiles and Icebreakers still exist on eHarmony, but they are no longer how you first contact another member. First contact happens through Likes: you each Like something on the other's page, and that makes a Match. Once you have a Match, you can still use a Smile or an Icebreaker to get the conversation started.

Every new conversation on eHarmony starts with a Like and a personal message. You Like something specific on her page, such as one of her answers, a hobby, or something you have in common, and you add a quick message to go with it.

A Match happens when you have both Liked something on each other's pages. Your Matches then appear in the Messages tab, and that is where the conversation carries on.

So if you are looking for a Smile button to send a woman you have never been in touch with, that is not how the site opens a conversation. The Like comes first.

Once you and a woman have matched, Smiles and Icebreakers are back on the table. They are eHarmony's built-in conversation starters, and you can use either one to get things moving with a Match.

They are also part of the free Basic membership. Sending and receiving Smiles, Icebreakers and Greetings does not require Premium, so you can use them before you have decided whether to pay.

A Smile tells her you noticed her. That is about all it tells her.

It is friendly and it costs you nothing, and that is exactly its weakness. She knows it took no thought. A Smile gives her nothing to reply to, so the next step still falls to one of you, and often neither of you takes it.

Use a Smile as a small, warm gesture, not as your whole opening. If you send one, follow it with a real line soon after, or skip it and go straight to the line.

An Icebreaker is useful in one situation: you have a Match, you like her, and you genuinely cannot think of what to say. In that case a built-in conversation starter is better than letting the Match sit untouched while you wait for inspiration.

It is a fallback, though, not a strategy. An Icebreaker is eHarmony's wording, not yours. Sending one tells her you are interested, but it tells her very little about you.

Your first message is the first sample she gets of your personality. A built-in starter spends that moment on something generic.

A short line of your own does the job better. Pick one detail from her page, such as the unusual hobby, the trip, or the answer that showed some humor. Give her a small, playful take on it, then something easy to answer. If her page says she has strong feelings about coffee, "I need to know where you stand before this goes any further" is two seconds of effort that reads like a real person.

Keep it to a line or two. You are trying to get a reply, not to win her over in one message.

The same logic applies in reverse. If a woman you have matched with sends you a Smile or an Icebreaker, she has done the easy part and handed the conversation to you.

Do not answer a Smile with a Smile. Two people smiling at each other on a screen is how a promising Match turns into nothing. Take it as your cue to write something real.

Look at her page again, find the detail you would most like to hear about, and write a line about it. If she used an Icebreaker, you can answer it, but answer it with some personality rather than a plain fact. A one-word reply to a built-in question puts the work straight back on her, and most women will not pick it up twice.

The real risk on eHarmony is not choosing the wrong opener. It is waiting too long to send anything. A Match you leave untouched for a week has usually lost most of its interest by the time you get to it.

So write soon, in whatever form. A Smile followed by a real line, an Icebreaker when you are stuck, or best of all a quick message of your own.

Once she replies, keep things light and move toward a plan. Mention a drink early as a relaxed idea, then ask for her number a few messages later. Smiles and Icebreakers can help a conversation start. Only you can turn it into a date.