Can You Message First on Facebook Dating Before a Match

Yes, but only once. When Facebook Dating suggests someone, you can tap one of her photos, write a message and send it. After that, Facebook says you can only keep messaging once she replies or sends you a like back, so you get one message, and it has to be good enough to answer.

Sending a first message takes a few taps and a few words.

1. Open the Facebook app, tap Menu, then Dating.
2. Find a suggested match you like.
3. Tap one of her photos.
4. Write your message and tap send.

Your message goes to her, and from there it is her turn. If she replies, or likes you back, the conversation opens and you can write freely. If she does neither, you cannot send a second message.

Plenty of men treat a first message as the start of a sequence. If the first one does not land, they will send another, then another. Facebook Dating takes that option away.

That is actually good for you. A string of unanswered messages to a woman who has not replied is one of the least attractive things a man can do online. It shows need, and need is what makes a woman lose interest. With one message and no follow-up, you cannot fall into that, even on a bad day.

It does mean the one message carries all the weight. A lazy "hey" is not a first step here. It is your only step.

It also changes how you should choose. Each woman gets exactly one message from you, so spend them on women you would genuinely like to take out, and on photos that give you something real to say.

Start from the photo you tapped. Since you open the message from one of her photos, write about that photo, and choose it for what it gives you to say.

Then keep it to two short parts: a light, specific comment about what you see, and an easy question she can answer in a line.

A few examples of the shape:

• She is standing next to a very tired-looking dog after a hike: "Your dog looks like he did the hike and you took the photo credit. How far did you drag him?"
• She is in a cooking class holding something slightly burnt: "I respect the confidence of holding that up for the camera. What was it meant to be?"
• She is at a wedding, laughing at something off camera: "Whatever was happening just out of shot looks like the best part of that wedding. What did I miss?"

None of those are clever lines. They show you looked, they are a little playful, and they are easy to answer. That is all a first message needs to do.

Some messages rarely get a reply, and with only one shot you cannot afford them.

• "Hey" or "how are you." She cannot do anything with these.
• A compliment on her looks. She hears it constantly, and it gives her nothing to answer.
• A paragraph about yourself. She has not asked yet, and it reads as trying too hard.
• Anything sexual. It ends the conversation before it starts.
• A copy-paste opener. If it could go to any woman, it will read that way.

Then that is the end of it. You cannot send a follow-up, so there is nothing to do and nothing to decide.

Do not take it personally, and do not spend time wondering what went wrong. She may be busy, she may barely use Dating, or she may simply not be interested. Put your attention on the next woman you would actually like to take out, and give her an equally good message.

A reply means the conversation is open, and you can message freely. Now the goal is a date, not a long exchange.

Your first reply matters as much as your first message. Answer what she said, add one small thing about you, and end with something easy for her to pick up. If she asked where you are from, tell her, and ask whether she grew up nearby too.

Answer while her interest is fresh. Keep your messages short, and give her things to react to rather than a list of questions. After a few good exchanges, suggest a drink as a relaxed idea. A few messages after that, ask for her number so you can settle the day and the place.

Pick somewhere public and easy for you to reach, and keep the first date short. The one message got you in the door. A simple plan gets you the date.