Can You Hide Your OkCupid Profile From Friends?

Not in advance. OkCupid has no setting that hides your profile from friends or contacts before they find it. The controls it lists work one person at a time or through a paid subscription: blocking, unmatching and Incognito Mode. Only logged-in members can see profiles, and OkCupid says it never shows your profile in Google search results, so a friend has to be on the app to find you.

OkCupid's privacy page lists the ways to control who sees you:

• Blocking.
• Unmatching.
• Incognito Mode.
• The fact that only logged-in members can view profiles.

Notice what is missing. There is no list where you paste a friend's name or contacts and hide yourself from them. OkCupid also says that no one can search for your name or profile. If a friend finds you, it is because she or he is on the app and your profile came up in Discover or a search, not because your name was looked up.

If you know a particular friend is on OkCupid, block them.

Blocking is reciprocal. A blocked person cannot see you anywhere on OkCupid, you cannot see them, and they cannot message you. If they try to view your profile, it looks as if you deleted your account. OkCupid does not tell someone that you blocked or unmatched them.

The weakness is timing. You can only block a friend you already know about, and you have to find them first. If a friend you did not expect finds your profile, blocking after the fact does not undo what they saw.

Unmatching ends a connection with someone you have already matched. It works the same way for privacy: they are cut off, and OkCupid does not announce it. Use it when a friend ends up in your matches or conversations.

Incognito Mode is a paid subscription. It makes your profile invisible to everyone unless you have Liked or messaged them. A person you have not Liked or messaged who visits your profile gets a note that it does not exist.

You can turn Incognito on or off at any time during the subscription. You can also revoke someone's access by blocking or unmatching them. OkCupid says Incognito is separate from Basic and Premium, so it does not bring those features with it.

The trade is reach. A visible account collects likes and messages from women while you are at work or asleep. Incognito turns that off, and every connection has to start with you. Pay for it only if the privacy matters more to you than the interest you give up.

• A specific friend or coworker you know is on the app: block them.
• You want to look around without being seen by anyone: Incognito.
• You do not mind being found but want control over what is seen: write your profile with that in mind.

Most men worry about being seen on a dating app, and the worry is bigger than the problem. A friend who finds you on OkCupid has found a man who is trying to meet someone. That is not an embarrassing fact.

What does embarrass a man is a page that is thin, joke-heavy or written to hide what he wants. So write one you would read aloud to your sister. A clear photo of your face leads, with photos of what you actually do behind it. Then add a few specific lines about your week, your work and what you would enjoy doing on a date. A short bio with real details reads as confident, and it is the version that gets women to message you.

A man who writes that kind of page does not need to hide it. If a friend does come across it, the worst case is a text asking how it is going. And a profile that works is one that gets seen by the women you want to meet.

Do not put your workplace, your street or your full name on the page. A city and a first name are enough for a woman to decide whether to write to you. When a conversation turns into a plan, meet in a public place, and swap personal details only after you have met.

One last point on friends. If a friend does see you on the app, say something light and move on: "Yes, I am on there, how is it going for you?" Men who treat it as normal get a normal reaction, and the friend usually has stories of their own.