Will OkCupid Tell You Why Your Account Was Banned?

No. OkCupid's policy is not to tell people why they were banned, so that anyone who reported the account stays anonymous. You can appeal through OkCupid's appeals form within six months of the ban, but send it only once, because OkCupid does not consider multiple appeals.

The reason is the person on the other side. If your account was reported, knowing the exact reason could point you straight at who made the report. OkCupid protects the anonymity of anyone who reported the account, so it does not explain the ban.

That is frustrating from where you sit, because you may genuinely not know what you did. From her side, it means a woman can report a man who made her uncomfortable without worrying that he will come looking for her. That protection is part of what keeps women on the app, and every dating app depends on women staying.

OkCupid has an appeals form for bans. Two rules matter:

1. Appeal within six months of the action.
2. Send one appeal. OkCupid does not consider multiple appeals.

So there is nothing to gain from firing off a quick angry note tonight and a better one next week. Take your time, and send one good appeal.

Because you will not be told the reason, your appeal cannot argue against a specific charge. What it can do is show that you understand the rules and used the account in good faith.

• Stay calm. An angry appeal reads like exactly the kind of message that gets men reported.
• Be brief and factual, and include the details that identify your account.
• If you can think of something that might have caused the ban, own it plainly and say it will not happen again.
• Do not demand to know who reported you. OkCupid will not tell you, and asking makes you sound like a risk.

You may never learn your exact reason, but it helps to know what gets men reported on dating apps in general. A few behaviors come up again and again:

• Crude or sexual opening messages to women who did not invite them.
• Harsh, insulting or aggressive replies, especially after she stops answering or says no.
• Pushing for a date, a number or photos after she has already declined.
• Pasting the identical message to woman after woman, which reads like spam.
• Photos that break the rules, such as images showing contact details or offensive content.

Dating apps are businesses, and they depend on women feeling comfortable enough to stay. Men who make women uncomfortable get reported, and reports cost accounts. The men who do well are the ones women enjoy talking to. They are playful, direct about wanting to meet, and easy about moving on when she is not interested.

Whether your appeal works or not, the way you talk to women on dating apps is worth a look. A few habits keep a man well clear of reports.

Open with something light and specific to her, not something about her body. A playful comment on what she wrote does far more for you than a compliment on her figure, and it gives her nothing to take offense at.

If she stops answering, let it go. One friendly follow-up is fine. A string of messages asking why she went quiet is how an ordinary silence turns into a report.

If she says no to a date, a number or anything else, accept it in one line and move on. "No worries, good luck out there" costs you nothing and ends things on a note she has no reason to report.

It is tempting to sign up again with a new email and carry on as if nothing happened. Do not. A ban is OkCupid's decision about your account, and the appeal is the route it gives you to challenge that decision. Use it, and wait for the answer.

If the ban stands, take the lesson and move on. Think honestly about how you were talking to women on the app, and drop anything that might have crossed a line.

Then put your energy into the dating life you still have. Other dating apps exist, and so do the women you can meet in person, at a bar, at a class or through friends. The habits that keep you out of trouble online are the same ones that make women want to see you again anywhere. Keep a light, confident tone. Respect a no. And suggest a drink instead of chatting forever.