Why You Talk Yourself Out of Approaching and How to Stop

You talk yourself out of it because the walk-over feels risky to your image, not because it is risky. Your mind produces a reasonable-sounding excuse in the seconds after you see her, and the excuse wins because you have time to listen to it. The way to stop is to shorten that time, remove the choices you have to make, and change what counts as success.

None of this requires you to stop feeling nervous. You can feel it and still walk.

Most of the excuses sound sensible.

"She looks busy." "She is probably taken." "I will do the next one." "Not here, there are too many people." "I will wait until she is on her own."

Each one is partly true, and that is why they work. But notice when they arrive. They arrive after you have decided she is attractive and before you have decided anything about her. They are about your comfort, not hers.

Ross Jeffries, the pickup teacher, called it opportunity hesitation, not approach anxiety. His point was that what you call it changes what you can do about it. A man who hesitates is making a decision to wait. He can make a different one.

a dating coach explains why even experienced, successful men do it. The risk they fear is not physical or real. It is to their picture of themselves.

His own examples are honest. He says he sometimes hesitates before a hard approach in front of clients who have never seen him work. He also hesitates after a great night, when he does not want to risk the feeling. In both cases, he says, the problem is the ego.

He draws a line between self-esteem and ego. Self-esteem is believing you can handle things whatever happens. Ego is the need to hold a particular image of yourself. A man protecting his ego will not risk a rejection, and a man with self-esteem has nothing to prove.

a dating coach's reminder is useful. A rejection from a stranger is forgotten by everyone except you within five minutes. And nobody is thinking how cool you look sitting in the corner not talking to anybody. If anything, they think it looks lame.

The excuse needs time. Give it less.

Decide before you go. Pick a number of approaches for the outing and the first place you will stand. Then the question is not whether to approach, but whether you are doing what you decided.

Have a default opener. Mystery told his students to pick one before they went out, because knowing what you will say removes most of the hesitation. a dating coach agrees, and says a default opener is the biggest single improvement to a night because it leaves you no excuse to stall.

Count and go. The three-second rule is simple: when you see her, count 3, 2, 1 and walk. Our own routine adds one step, a long exhale first, because most men hold their breath when they see someone attractive. Exhale, count, walk.

If success means she likes you, every approach is a test you can fail. If success means you did the rep, you cannot fail it unless you walk past her.

One coach put it this way: if you do not approach, you are the one giving yourself a no. Let it be her. At least then you will have given yourself a chance.

Count approaches, not outcomes. After a week of counting, you will find that the dread shrinks, because each one that goes badly turns out to be survivable.

If even the default opener is too big, go smaller. Say hello to people. Ask for a time or directions. Make a short comment to a barista. Each of these is a rep, and each makes the next one easier.

Some men cannot change this alone. They know the steps and still stand there. That is not a character flaw. It is common, and it is where a coach beside you helps most, because the correction arrives while you are still out.

A Cold Approach Bootcamp is in person in Miami or New York. Each day has two four-hour blocks in the field, with live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set. Group has three students at most per coach, and Private is one-on-one. There is no skill floor.

What if I talk myself out of it at the Bootcamp?

Your coach works with that moment, and the first goal is a step small enough to take. You are not asked to do a hard approach to prove anything.

Will it ever stop?

For most men it gets quieter with practice, and a dating coach says some men turn the fear into excitement. It does not have to vanish for you to act.