Why Do You Freeze Up When You Try a New Bar or Club, and How Do You Stop?

Approach anxiety gets worse in a new place because it is full of unknowns, and your mind treats every unknown as a threat. You do not know where the groups stand, which way the crowd moves, who works there or where you can talk. Remove the unknowns before you go, arrive early and carry one opener, and most of the lock-up goes away.

• The new place is the problem, more than the women in it.
• Do your research before you leave. Pictures and the dress code tell you more than reviews do.
• Arrive early, when the room is quiet, and learn the layout before it fills.
• Visit at least three times before you decide a venue is bad.
• Each venue may call for a different approach, so do not carry last week's plan in unchanged.

At your regular bar you know where to stand, who the staff are, and what the crowd is like. Your attention is free for conversation. In a new place you use all of it on the room: where is everyone, are they looking at me, what do the people here expect.

That load leaves nothing for a woman you want to talk to. It is the same approach anxiety you feel anywhere, with a bigger load on top. You may notice your hands feel heavy, your mind goes blank, and you end up at the bar with your phone. The solution is not to feel braver. It is to have fewer unknowns.

Do some research. Look up where the venue is, when it opens and what kind of crowd goes. Look at pictures of the place, because pictures show you the dress code and the energy. Reviews are less useful, since people write reviews about drinks and service, not about how easy it is to meet someone.

Then choose a night. Some venues are dead early and good late. Others are great early and thin out by one in the morning. If you can, go once as a scouting trip with no goal except learning the room.

Get there before it fills up. When a place is half empty you can walk around, find the bathrooms, the exits, where people stand to talk, and where the bartender takes orders. Stay until close once, so you know how the night ends. Your first approach is easier in a quiet room, because there is less noise and fewer eyes.

When you arrive, do a lap before you stand still. A man who is moving looks like a man who belongs, and moving gives you something to do with your nerves. Put your drink down and stop holding on to it.

Have a default opener ready. a dating coach teaches it for every night out, because a man without one has an excuse to wait, and waiting is where the lock-up grows. Walk up to someone within the first few minutes and keep the first one easy. Ask the bartender a question, or say hello to a woman waiting for a drink. You are not trying to win the night. You are proving to your body that nothing bad happens when you speak.

A place you hate on the first visit may turn out to be one of your best. Often you dislike it because you have not worked it out yet. Go at least three times unless it is truly bad, and note what you learn each time. A loud room may need less talking and more presence. A calm lounge may reward conversation. Treat it as a puzzle, and your mind stops treating it as a threat.

Going to new places is also how you avoid the opposite trap. A man who only visits one bar becomes dependent on it, and his skill stops growing. Going to new venues teaches you to adjust to different crowds, and that is a skill worth having.

The fastest way to stop locking up is to have a person beside you who has seen the room before. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp in Miami and New York, you work the field for two four-hour blocks each day, with daygame and night game mixed to suit you. Your coach is next to you for each approach and talks you through the first one. Group has three students per coach over three consecutive days. Private is one, two or three days, fully 1-on-1.

Approach anxiety is what the training is built around, so the men who lock up are exactly who it is for. No experience is required, and you leave with a written practice plan.