Why Are Women Uncomfortable in Your Presence?

Women feel uncomfortable around a man when he feels uncomfortable himself and passes it on. The usual causes are physical tension, too much pressure to impress, staring or hovering, unclear intentions and a body that does not look at ease. None of these mean you are a bad man. They mean you are nervous, and nerves are contagious. The fix is to relax your body, slow your pace and make the conversation easy for her to join.

If you have noticed short answers, crossed arms or a woman who leaves quickly when you approach, one of the causes below probably describes you. Meeting women in person, on the street or in a bar, puts your nerves on display, so this is the first thing to fix in day game and night game alike.

Many men treat every conversation as an attraction problem. They try to be funnier, bolder or more impressive, and they push harder when she seems cool. That often backfires, because pressure makes the other person close up.

A woman who feels at ease with you will open up, share more and stay longer. Attraction has room to grow in that space. A woman who feels tense is busy protecting herself and has nothing left for you. So the question to ask is not "How do I impress her?" but "How do I make this easy for her?"

1. Your body is tense. Stiff shoulders, a locked jaw, clenched hands and shallow breathing all show from across a room. She reads your body before she hears a word.

2. You are performing. If you are trying to be witty, deliver a line or prove you are cool, she feels like an audience. People relax when the other person is being real.

3. You are too intense. Long unbroken eye contact, a very serious tone or an eager lean-in can feel like pressure. Intensity is attractive in small doses and unsettling in large ones.

4. You stand too close, too soon. Everyone has a personal space. A stranger inside it, without a friendly signal first, sets off her alarm.

5. Your intent is hidden. If she cannot tell what you want, she wonders. A direct, light "I wanted to say hello" is far more calming than a roundabout opening that leaves her guessing.

6. You ignore her signals. If she steps back, answers in one word and looks away, and you keep pressing, she becomes uncomfortable because you are not listening. Reading signals and adjusting is one of the quickest ways to be a safe presence.

7. You are uncomfortable with silence. A man who rushes to fill every pause comes across as anxious. A pause with a calm smile tells her you are fine.

Small changes do most of the work.

• Breathe out and drop your shoulders before you speak. Do it once, quietly.
• Slow down. Speak a little more slowly than you want to, and let her finish before you answer.
• Smile with your eyes, not only your mouth. A warm face is the quickest signal of safety.
• Look at her, then away. Hold contact for a couple of seconds and then look around naturally. Constant staring feels like pressure.
• Keep a respectful distance. About an arm's length is a good start. Let her close the gap if she wants.
• Be clear and light. "I saw you and wanted to say hello" tells her what you are doing without weight.
• Ask easy questions. Something she can answer without thinking, like where she got her coffee, lets her settle in.
• Give her an exit. If she can leave the conversation easily, she is more willing to stay. A man who does not block her path feels safe.

Take the hint and be gracious. Say something warm like "I'll let you get on with your day, it was nice to meet you," and go. Do not ask what is wrong or defend yourself.

A man who leaves cleanly when a woman is uneasy builds a good reputation, in her mind and in his own. The next woman you speak to will usually be warmer, because you will be calmer.

Sometimes the discomfort has nothing to do with you. A woman walking alone at night, in a poorly lit street, is likely to feel uneasy about any stranger. A woman in a hurry, a woman who has just had a bad day or a woman who has been bothered by other men tonight may be on guard.

Choose settings with natural comfort: busy cafes, lit streets, social lounges, places where she can see other people. Time your approach for when she looks free, not rushed. A good setting does half your work.

The hard part is that you cannot see yourself. Most men believe they are relaxed and are surprised to hear how tense they sound. You need an outside view.

That is what a coach next to you provides. In a Cold Approach Bootcamp, a coach watches your approaches and tells you right after each one what you did with your body, your voice and your pace. It runs in Miami and New York, two four-hour blocks each training day, with live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set. Group is three consecutive days at 3:1 student to coach, and Private is fully 1-on-1 for one, two or three days.

It suits the man with approach anxiety best, because tension is the problem it trains. You leave with a written practice plan covering what is working and what to adjust.

Does it mean I am creepy?

No. It usually means you are nervous and trying too hard. Creepy means ignoring her signals, and you can fix that by watching for them and responding.

Can I fix this without a coach?

You can improve with practice, and recording your voice helps. A coach speeds it up because he sees what you cannot.

What if I am naturally intense?

Intensity is not a flaw. Learn to dial it up and down. Start relaxed and let it show when the moment fits.