Who Should Move in a Long Distance Relationship?

The person whose life is easiest to move should usually be the one who moves, and the choice should be shared, not a sacrifice one of you makes to prove love. Look at jobs, money, family and housing first. Then pick a city and a date together, after you have spent real time in the same place. If neither of you is willing to move, that is an answer too, and it is better to hear it early.

Make two honest lists, one for each of you: what would you give up by moving? Job, friends, family, home, a lease that does not end for a year, a degree you have not finished.

a dating coach points out that in most professions you can find equivalent work in another city. A dentist can practice in Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or Las Vegas. So a job is rarely the hard wall that it feels like. Still, some jobs travel easily and some do not, and the difference matters. Someone with remote work and a lease about to end has far less to lose than someone with a long career built in one place and a family nearby.

If one list is clearly shorter, that is usually your answer. If the lists are about equal, the next three sections matter more.

One man asked coach for advice because he and his girlfriend flew to each other every other week. coach said that eventually one of them had to change cities if the relationship was going to last. coach then added a preference: get the woman to move to the man's city if possible. The reason was that making a needy gesture, giving up your own life, and then watching the relationship end is the worst result you can have.

That reasoning is useful on timing. Nobody should uproot a life as a gesture to save a relationship that is already shaky. It is a weaker rule on who. If her life is the harder one to move, insisting that she go is how you get a resentful partner in a city she never chose. Use My warning to decide when to move. Use the lists above to decide who.

Picture a man whose wife pushes him to move. He leaves a job and a city he loves. The marriage may have other problems, but the move itself produces resentment, and the resentment comes out in the end. The relationship is not strong enough to pay it back.

So whoever moves needs a reason that survives a bad month. Ask yourself: if this relationship ended in a year, would I still be glad I lived in that city? If the answer is yes because the work, the people and the place suit you, the move is sound. If the only reason is her, be careful.

Answer these together, ideally on a call when neither of you is tired.

1. Whose job or income can travel with the least trouble?
2. Who has the smaller circle of friends and family to leave?
3. Who actually likes the other city?
4. Have you spent a few weeks living ordinary life together, not just a weekend of dinners?

If the answers all point at one of you, you have it. If they split, you have choices. One of you can try a one-month stay in the other's city before anyone signs a lease. You can also meet in a third city that suits you both, or take turns with the moving, so that one of you moves now and the other moves later for a job or a degree.

Do not raise it on the last night of a visit when you are both emotional. Pick a calm call after a good stretch, and say it as a plan, not a test.

"I want us in the same city within the year. Let's work out whose move makes more sense and what each of us needs first."

Then listen. If she says she is not ready, ask what would have to be true for her to feel ready, and write those down. A vague "someday" with no conditions is worth noticing. Ask once and clearly. Over the next month, watch what she does about it. A woman who wants the same future will start helping you plan.

Distance can run for a stretch without a date, such as while a degree finishes. But a relationship where both people say they love each other and neither will consider a shared city has no plan, only a feeling. My rule is plain: if you want the relationship to work, at some point one of you changes cities. If the answer from both is "never," decide what you want to do with that.