When Should You Become Exclusive With Someone You Are Dating?

Become exclusive when three things are true: you have been seeing her regularly, you know you would rather stop seeing other people, and you are ready to say so out loud and ask what she wants. There is no correct date or number of dates. Men searching for when to have the exclusive dating talk usually hope for a threshold that makes it happen on its own. It does not exist, and the talk is the thing that does it.

A month of two dates a week puts you somewhere real. Four dates spread over three months does not, however good each was. When you ask "how long should I wait", you are really asking whether the two of you have spent enough time together for this to mean something. Look at how often you see each other, not how many weeks have passed.

Also keep in mind that she is not counting the way you are. A long coffee may be a date to you and not to her, so your count and hers rarely match.

You do not need all of these, but a few together are a good reason to have the talk:

• You see each other regularly without much planning effort.
• She makes time for you, answers in good time and suggests plans herself.
• You are building shared plans for weeks ahead, not just the next weekend.
• You find you are no longer interested in anyone else.
• She has mentioned friends, family or her life in a way that includes you.
• You are sleeping together and each of you assumes it means something, which is exactly why it needs saying.

The last point matters. Sex is not an agreement. A man who treats it as one, and then finds out she saw someone else, hurts himself.

Before you ask her, ask yourself: would I be happy never seeing anyone else? Be honest. If you are still curious about other options, you are not ready, and going exclusive to please her creates trouble later.

My general view is that relationships find their own setting over time, and that you do not need to rush it. Until you both have said you are exclusive, keep your own options open and assume she may too. Do not stop seeing other people in private and then feel let down when she never agreed.

Do it in person, sober, and not at the end of a late night. Not over text.

Say what you want, then ask. For example: "I really like where this is going. I would like to stop seeing other people, and I would like that to be mutual. How do you feel?" Then stop talking.

You are not asking permission. You are telling her what you want and finding out whether she wants it too, which is useful whichever way she answers. A woman who is into you will usually find a man who says it directly attractive, because most men avoid it.

Be specific about what you mean. Exclusive could mean no one else is dated, no one else is slept with, you both come off any dating sites, or you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Name the parts that matter to you so no one is guessing.

The answer to worry about is the middle one. "Let us see how it goes." "I am not thinking about labels." "I do not want to rush." If you have been seeing her for a good while, those mean she is not there yet.

Take it at face value. You can keep seeing her, and you keep seeing others too, on the terms she just described. Do not become exclusive alone and wait for her to catch up. If you hear the same answer again some weeks later, you have learned what you needed to know.

If she says no outright, thank her for being honest and decide whether you want to keep seeing her as things are.

Sometimes she asks before you do. Do not panic and do not reply with a joke. If you are ready, say so. If you are not, say that honestly and kindly, and explain that you want to keep getting to know each other without making promises you are unsure about. Honest and slightly slower beats yes-and-regret.

Raise it when you are seeing each other regularly, you know what you want and you can say it clearly. Ask in person, name the terms, and accept the answer you get.