What Are the Best Openers for Approaching Women?

The best opener is a short, honest sentence about where you both are, said with a relaxed face, that she can answer in a few words. "Is this place always this busy?" beats any clever line. The words matter far less than your voice, your smile and whether you walked over without hesitating.

Openers fall into a few types. Learn one of each, and you can start a conversation almost anywhere.

Situational. You comment on what is happening around you. At a coffee counter: "Is the thing you ordered actually good?" Waiting at a crosswalk: "Are you waiting for the light or just enjoying the sun?" The shared setting does half the work, because she does not need to decide who you are before she answers.

Opinion. You ask for her view on something small. "Quick question, which of these two would you order?" People like being asked for a judgment, and the answer gives you something to build on.

Direct. You tell her, in a normal voice, that you noticed her and wanted to say hello. "I saw you across the room and had to come introduce myself." It is the simplest opener there is, and it works when you say it calmly and smile.

Indirect. You start with a neutral request, such as directions or the time, and move into conversation from her answer. It lowers her guard, and it suits a man who is not ready to say he is interested in the first sentence.

• Daytime street or shop: "Hey, quick question. Do you know a decent place for lunch around here?"
• Grocery store: "You look like someone who knows what to cook. What is worth buying here?"
• Gym or park: "I have not seen you here before. Are you new, or am I just not paying attention?"
• Bar or lounge: "That drink looks better than mine. What is it?"
• Event or party: "How do you know the host?"

None of these are special. They are easy to say, easy to answer, and they point at something both of you can see.

A man says a perfect sentence in a tight voice and walks away with nothing. Another says an average one with a smile and ends up in a ten minute conversation. She reacts first to your posture, your pace and your face. The words come second.

So the real work is behind the opener: walk at a normal speed, stand a little to the side instead of directly in front of her, speak a bit slower than feels natural, and look at her eyes. Fix those, and nearly any decent line works.

A short list helps because it takes the pressure off the first sentence. A long list does not. Memorizing fifty lines gives you fifty things to forget when your heart is pounding.

Pick two openers for the daytime and two for night. Use them for a week. Notice which one comes out most naturally, and keep that one. Over time you start inventing your own from what is in front of you, which is what good approachers do anyway.

• Compliments about her body. They make her wary.
• Lines that sound rehearsed, because she can tell.
• Questions that need a long answer from a stranger, such as "What is your story?"
• Anything that sets up a trap, such as insulting her as a joke.

A light compliment on something she chose, like her jacket or her laugh, is fine. Keep it short and move on to a question.

The opener only gets you the first ten seconds. After it you introduce yourself, listen to her answer, and ask a follow-up question that comes from what she said. Most men run out of steam here because they planned the first line and nothing after it.

That is the part a coach can fix quickly in the field. On a Cold Approach Bootcamp, held in Miami and New York, you try openers like these on real women while a coach listens and tells you what to change on the next one. Group is three days with no more than three students per coach, and Private is 1-on-1 for one, two or three days. Every day covers approaching and conversation, attraction and delivery, numbers and dates, and handling rejection.

Are pickup lines ever good?

Playful ones can work when you say them lightly and drop them if they miss. Most women hear a rehearsed line as a script, so a plain situational question is the safer choice.

Should I use a different opener every time?

Not at first. Repeat one that suits you until it feels automatic, then vary it. Repetition teaches you what her reactions look like.

What if she gives a short answer?

Stay light, ask one more question, and let her show interest. If she keeps it short, thank her and move on. One short answer is not a verdict on you.