What to Do When Meeting Her Parents

Meeting your girlfriend's parents is a real step in a relationship, so treat it like one. Dress a step above casual, arrive on time, shake hands and look people in the eye, listen more than you talk, and make it obvious that you treat their daughter well. Her parents are not checking how impressive you are. They are checking that you are good for her. Keep the edgier jokes for later visits.

Treat meeting a girlfriend's parents as a serious step in the relationship. Their opinion will carry weight, and they will start putting expectations on you. A good marker is somewhere between six months and a year, after the honeymoon phase has settled. If she is pushing to introduce you early, that can be a good sign, so do not read it as pressure.

Ask her four things first:

• What do her parents like to be called?
• What do they do, and what are they proud of?
• Are there any subjects to stay away from?
• Does anyone have a food allergy, or avoid alcohol?

Her answers are the best preparation you can get, and asking shows her you take it seriously.

Aim for clean, fitted and slightly more formal than you would be with friends. A collared shirt or a good sweater, dark trousers or clean jeans, and real shoes will do. Dressing well shows discipline and courtesy, the qualities parents tend to read as signs of a man who will do well.

Bring something small. Flowers for her mother or a dessert for the table are both safe. If you want to bring a bottle, check with your girlfriend first. Put your phone on silent before you reach the door.

Stand when they come into the room. Shake hands firmly, but not like a contest, and look at each person while you do it. Use their names. Thank them for having you.

Each parent calls for a different focus. With her father, be calm and respectful, move less, and do not try to be the dominant man in the room. Respect has to be earned, and half of earning it is showing it. With her mother, expect that she will quickly notice how you look at her daughter and how you treat her. Be warm and sincere with her.

Listen more than you speak. Ask how they met, where they grew up, how long they have lived in the house. Treat her parents as future friends: have a real conversation, find out their story, because everyone likes to be known.

When they ask what you do, answer honestly and briefly, then say where you are headed. Parents want to see that you have a head on your shoulders and a plan. You do not need to bring your bank statement or list your achievements. Do not overshare about anything else, including old relationships, big plans or money.

They are watching this more than anything you say. Be attentive. Ask whether she needs anything. Hold her hand or sit close, but keep it modest. Do not tease her in a way that stings, and never correct her in front of them. Offer to help clear the table, and mean it.

They are not there to make you comfortable. Their first goal is to see that you love her and are good for her, and they will see it in how you look at her.

Sometimes you meet them at an arrival gate, a station or a doorway. Keep it brief. Greet them by name, shake hands, offer to carry a bag, and ask about the trip. Let your girlfriend lead the conversation, and save longer talk for dinner.

Be polite, a little formal and a little reserved for the first few meetings. This reads as respect and not as hiding. Once they know you, your personality can come out more.

It can go slowly. Say her mother is sharp at first, and the answer is no sharpness back. After about five or six dinners a joke about her cooking may land, and from then on the two of you may get on better. That is the pace to aim for.

Skip politics, religion and ex-girlfriends the first time. Have one drink at most. After the visit, thank them in person or by text, and tell your girlfriend honestly what you liked about them.