What to Do When Your Girlfriend Is Mad at You

Calm things down first, then find out what the anger is about. Lower your voice, stop arguing your case and ask her what happened. Your calm tends to settle her more than any clever argument will. Only after the temperature drops do you decide whether you owe her an apology, a correction or a better question.

coach teaches that when a girlfriend picks a fight, there are a few main causes. Going through them one at a time keeps you from reacting to the wrong one.

1. She thinks you just did something wrong. It came on fast, and you can usually name the line or the action. This is the easiest kind to fix.
2. The reaction is too big for what happened. She is furious about the trash, and you never take out the trash. The trash is probably not the point.
3. She wants attention. You have been busy, distant or on your phone. She acts out because any attention feels better to her than none.
4. Something has soured between you. The fights come out of nowhere and she seems to want them to continue. This is the hard one, and it usually points at a longer problem.

You do not need to solve all four tonight. You only need to know which one you are in.

• Slow down and lower your voice. If she is loud, you are quieter. Matching her volume doubles the problem.
• Do not defend yet. Say, "Okay. Tell me what happened." Then let her talk without correcting a single fact.
• Do not say "calm down." It tells her that her feelings are the issue. Say, "I want to understand."
• Stay in the room if you can. If you need a break, say so: "I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can we take twenty minutes and come back?" Then come back.

The calm is the part that does the most work. The same is true of a woman's emotions: when you are calm and relaxed, she tends to calm down. When you are not, she often feels it and gets louder.

Own it once, specifically. "I said I would be home at seven and I came at nine, and I did not call. That was disrespectful. I am sorry."

My rule is to apologize for the thing you did, not for who you are. One clear apology, one fix and then you are done. Do not grovel, buy presents to buy peace or offer to sleep on the couch. A mistake is an event. It is not a verdict on you.

Hold your ground without winning. "I understand why this upset you. I meant it differently. Here is what I meant." Say it once, calmly. Then ask, "What would have been better?"

Do not repeat the case every time she disagrees. The relationship matters more than being right about this one thing.

When the reaction does not match the event, say it kindly. "Babe, I should have taken out the trash, and I will. But this feels bigger than the trash. Is something else going on? Did I do something, or was it a rough day?"

Then listen. Often, the real cause is something you missed weeks ago or something that happened to her today. What you did may be a small part of the problem. Letting her talk is a large part of the fix, and coach says that when someone feels heard, many fights just end.

Many men arrive with a small one. She is mad at you for sleeping late, for being tired, for being sick, for forgetting a birthday.

The rule is the same. Do not argue that the reason is silly. Say, "I can see that mattered to you. I am sorry it landed that way." Then fix what you can. If it was your birthday, or hers, make a plan to do something that shows you care this week, and do it.

Being tired and being sick are real, and you can say so once without a fight: "I was wiped out, which is no excuse for not telling you. Next time I will text." What you want her to hear is that you understand the effect, not that you were right.

Short answers. A flat tone. No kiss goodbye. Plans cancelled without a reason. If you suspect it, ask: "You seem off. Is it me?" Do not wait for the explosion. My advice on fights is to stop them before they start, the moment you see the change in her face or her tone.

When the heat is gone, give her attention. Call her during the day. Plan something for the two of you that week. coach notes that a woman who feels ignored will pick fights just to get you to engage, and you cannot reward a fight in the moment, but you can fix the cause when the fight is over.

A girlfriend who is mad at you is normal and often fixable. A girlfriend who is mad at you most days, and refuses every attempt to talk, is telling you the relationship needs a larger conversation. Have it calmly, when you are both rested.