What Do You Call Someone You're Dating but Aren't Official With?

There isn't one agreed word. Most people say "I'm seeing someone" or "we're dating," and many daters say "we're talking." If the two of you act like a couple and never put a name on it, people call that a situationship. Which word is right depends on what you're actually doing together.

"Seeing someone" or "dating." This is the plain way to introduce her to a friend or coworker: "this woman I'm seeing" or "this woman I'm dating." An English-teaching site lists exactly this phrasing for someone you're seeing but aren't official with. It also lists "my friend" for when she's standing right there, and warns that it can get awkward.

"Talking." xoNecole defines talking as being curious about getting to know someone, without necessarily wanting something serious. In practice you message, you maybe meet for coffee, and nobody has promised anything. A Her Campus writer calls "talking" and "chilling" vague words people use to avoid defining things.

"Dating." xoNecole calls dating a step above talking but not yet a relationship: she isn't your girlfriend and you haven't agreed to be exclusive. Not everyone uses it that way. A student quoted in a campus paper says dating is when you introduce your partner to your family and you're committed to each other. So the word means different things to different people. Ask what she means by it.

"A thing." The Her Campus writer also lists "a thing," being exclusive without the label, and friends with benefits as forms a situationship can take.

"Situationship." She defines it as a relationship that isn't officially specified as dating. You're acting like a couple, and you're definitely more than friends, but nobody said the word. xoNecole says a situationship is usually not that complicated. It comes from one or both people ignoring red flags, wanting different things, or not knowing what they want.

To a friend: "I'm seeing someone. We've been on a few dates." You've told the truth, and you haven't promised anything.

To her, when you want to know where you stand: "I like where this is going. I'm looking for something serious. Is that what you want too?"

If she asks what you're looking for, don't say "Let's just see." It sounds relaxed, but if you really want a relationship it creates confusion while you pretend to be easygoing. That usually backfires later.

Her Campus lists these signs:

• You hardly communicate.
• You accept some attention because it feels better than nothing.
• You only see each other late at night.
• Plans are hard to make ahead of time.

It also points out the catch. Without a title, neither of you has a clear boundary or responsibility, so neither of you can be upset if the other sees someone else.

Don't push for a label too early. If you've had two or three dates and there's no real momentum, demanding one is usually anxiety talking. A man who says "I don't like labels" after three dates can be saying he wants closeness without responsibility.

Don't dodge it forever either. If you've spent two months acting like a couple and one of you keeps avoiding the conversation, that's fear dressed up as freedom.

When the pattern is clear, say what you want plainly: "I like where this is going, and I'm looking for exclusivity if we keep building this." That's direct and calm. It doesn't sound like a demand. It sounds like a man with standards.

Her Campus's advice is similar: have a "what are we" talk, make sure you're both ready for a real relationship, and then make it official or end it. A student it quotes suggests asking, "So where exactly is this going?" xoNecole adds that you should be honest about what each of you wants and talk through problems early.

Believe her. If she says she wants something casual, take it at face value unless her behavior clearly says otherwise over time. Don't try to negotiate her into being someone else. If you want monogamy and she clearly doesn't, don't assume your patience will change her mind.

Then you have two honest choices. Keep the arrangement with your eyes open, or end it. What doesn't work is staying in it while hoping a label will fix it.

Getting the word doesn't finish anything. Calling someone your girlfriend won't fix flakiness, weak communication or a thin connection. If you disappear when you're stressed before the label, you'll disappear after it.

Before you ask for one, check yourself: "Do I want this label because it matches what's already happening, or because I hope it will force things to change?" If it's the second one, wait. Show her what you're like for a few more weeks.

The official words are "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," with "exclusive" as the step before them. Use them when your behavior has already earned them.